hole in my heart

there's a hole in my heart in which it simply can't be filled with anything.

nothing.really.

it feels like a mad longing and the emptiness is aching for something.and it's tearing me down.

but this is all temporary i know and i'll get better before i know it.

i'll get used to the emptiness eventually and it will soon diminish.

p/s : it's hard being a girl because once a month, you'll come out with random emotional rambling like the one above. sometimes twice a month or worse, thrice.

clouds and their silver lining

since everyone is updating their new lives as etc etc in etc etc, i should do the same too.

haha.

i'm teaching three classes. one ESLS class and another two IELTS classes.16 credit hours.
so far, i'm having quite a good time in intec.

really,i'm quite surprised myself.

i believe in this saying 'experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted'. i was being so whiny and whimpy earlier i know, but yeah, things are catching up.

i am contented.

alhamdulillah. :)

selfish list, i miss.

i miss...

1. staying up and sleeping in.

2. i miss watching the people go by outside Cendana when i was inside, listening to counseling lectures, i never was a fan of tesl square since my route was class-home-class-home, but i miss it there.

3. sleeping with my best friend, Shairah Hana (not in a way that you would imagine yea, we have separate mattress)

4. singing rock kapaks during cheap karaoke session

5. taking the train after class so that i could hang out and stay up late some more

6. walking to Cili Merah with Ain

7. most of my friends, their quirks and all

damn i feel nostalgic.

life in shah alam, post study.

i am in shah alam.will be in shah alam, until November i guess.passing by the pak guard, driving, it feels odd.and overwhelming.looking at the students, the juniors laughing as they jog to class, i feel...

this violent whirlwind of envy and jealousy are churning down the pit of my stomach.never have i been so envious of someone in my whole life before.

it's not the same.despite the driving and the staff sticker and the getting-paid-for-it, it's not the same.

i really miss being a student.the liberty.the leisure. (yes even after going through the experience of the tiring AE and bundles of assignments) the liberty is pretty much a liberty, studying is not that hard after all, if you screw up, you just screw yourself up.whereas, in the working world, i dare not say liberty but merely the lack of it.and if you screw up, you're taking a lot of people down the cliff with you.

this is life, i often tell myself.i could have it the other way around but since it's not happening, i should deal it with the way it is.

i'll give my best and hopefully, by the end of the year, i have something to look back and reflect upon, maybe it is not as bad as it seems now.

maybe.as in right now,i'll stick to the nawaitu which is to teach, regardless where i am and who they are.

kurus dan degupan jantung tidak sekata

aku dah kurus.aku yakin.

ye rakan rakan.terima kasih kepada tekanan hidup dan masalah yang timbul akibat membuat keputusan tidak best dan juga takdir.

kini lemak di pinggul telah berkurangan.cubit cubit tak dapat.maksudnya dah kurang atau hampir tiada lah kan kan.

walau belum official lagi turun berat ke tak (sebab tak pergi timbang kati lagi), aku terasa akan kekurusan dan kekusutan ku ini.

jantung aku juga sejak kebelakangan ini, ritmanya lari tempo.kadang berdegup terlalu laju, kadang berdegup perlahan 20km/j.kadang kadang kosong.kadang kadang penuh kesal.kadang kadang marah.

aku masih muda untuk mati kerana ritma degupan jantung tak sekata dan tekanan hidup self inflicted.

jadi hari esok, aku ingin menjadi positif.

emotional cockscrew.

it has been one rough week.

and i'm barely breathing (the cough, the flu and all) (no, it's not swine)

i don't know what to say.i crave this silence of the mind.nowadays, my mind never seem to shut up.

i am yet to say that i am happy with my life but things are picking up.

i am learning the art of letting go.


p/s: no, it's not 'letting go' of love. the love department is working well.it's the other departments that are not doing good.

hating the unhappiness.

i am unhappy.and i'm hating it.

how could a person tolerate such emotions.hatred and unhappiness altogether.it's like arsenic and cyanide, and drinking them raw. to add to that, i feel a pang of regret throbbing underneath my skin.on top of it all, i also feel incompetent, inept as if all the confidence in me has suddenly left for a vacation somewhere in the Arctic territory and the plane they were traveling on, exploded mid air, in the frozen Arctic air.leaving no survivor.

i am holding on to the morsels of confidence left, about 2 milligrams of it.

i am scared, like a child parting with his mother for the very first time.

i always choose to plunge headfirst into a terrible bad mood, experiencing major anxiety and relentless excessive thinking.

i feel like i can't be fixed. these, these stupid thoughts in me, they are going to stay.i don't want them to.

i feel weak, but i keep the game face on every hours and it was getting tiresome.

i still hate driving.i do.i really do.

the unhappiness and the driving, UGH.i drive like a broccoli.if the broccoli were to grow limbs with no brain, they will probably drive better than me.

off topic, referring to the previous post, i don't think i have the rights to blame anyone if i'm not getting what i want.because in the first place, i don't even know what i want.i have no clue.i was an indecisive wreck.

i'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist or a counselor perhaps.or perhaps talk to God more often.

life sans happiness.

they say, hate is a strong word.Toadies sang 'you're the song i hate but i can't let go'.hate is bad.hate kills.hate heals.it's up to you.

i really want to say that i hate my life, but that will only shock the masses (as if they care).
to be fair, i would say that i am unhappy.perhaps deeply unhappy because, if i were to say the reasons, uhm (it occurs to me that the reasons are rather puny; when i typed it down, so instead of listing the reasons, i came up with this sentence).

okay, i'm unhappy because of the decisions i made.have my conscience and instinct gone kaput? is it them or is it me.is it my head or my heart or my guts or the universe, or God? i'm not blaming God of course, as this is God's plan for me.God has plan for everyone i believe.

i only wish for courage and patience and several other virtues.

i'm unhappy because i don't get what i want and things are not going my way.but hey that's life.nobody gets EVERYTHING they want.sometimes, life will sneak up on you and ambushes you during unpredictable times.when your guards are down on the ground.in the gutter.life will knock you down.you may have settled to one thought or decision when things may inevitably make a 360 degree turn.and scared the daylights out of you.

those were the things.the things that made me the terrible mess i was (and still am) these past few days.

somehow, the words that i've typed sound sensible, unlike the thoughts that have been dwelling in my mind,those were not my thoughts when i spent my day sniffing and sobbing and complaining to the boyfriend.

i wish somebody can just shake me and knock some sense into my head.i need to be enlightened. i need to wake up!

(the boyfriend will prolly throw up at the last two sentences due to my constant whining and crying that he saw which were definitely not parallel with the words i said just now : the enlightenment thingamajig.i definitely didn't sound like i wanted to be enlightened. all i ever muttered was "i want to sleep all day")