a year hiatus is a good thing

"nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion" Democritus


: like this blog.

the highlights of my 2009 - the best

some of the best of 2009

1. Buzzcocks - watching them in flesh and blood right before my very own eyes (and touching them in a way you wouldn't imagine as well) it was great, it was surreal, when i'm down, i just have to remember this moment and so far, it never fails to make me smile and grin.i met this great guy as well so it was just perfect.

2. being able to drive - FINALLY.for 22 years and 4 months i have been living with the thought that i can't drive and driving is next to impossible.but no way jose, in June i was finally driving my ass to and from work.my driving-confidence is picking up though i can't back park or parallel park, it's okay.

3. getting a first real job with a paycheck and and i enjoyed my job.i really do.NOT because of the paycheck but i love teaching.

4. i have a love-hate (30 percent love/70 percent hate) relationship with my convocation but i am thankful for it, for getting a degree after all those sweats and bloods and tears and shits.

well i am really grateful for my health throughout 2009, for my family, for my friends- those who share either laughter or tears or both, who are there for me when i need them the most. my life may have not been perfect. i have equal share of joy and pain, everything rolled into one. i would have changed it if i can but i don't want to.

2010, please be kind to everyone.

the uhm, downlights of my 2009 - the worst

top 4 suckiest things

1. the time when i have just finished my studies and was about to work my very first job and i was in a middle of cross road, can't choose what i want but what i got turned out to be great as well (the silver lining ;-). the worse part was the crossroad thing, that particular feeling.i don't want to let myself EXPERIENCE it ever again.

2. some 'technical' or maybe bureaucratic problem regarding my convocation.that pink sash.i am still quite bitter about it.5 years of hard work equal to uhm close to nothing.YOU don't understand how it feels.so don't tell me 'just enjoy the moment'.it was painful.

3. failing a long distance relationship.but truth be told, things have been gradually declining way back before it really ends.this is not the suckiest.i'm sorry.

4. i'm no longer an undergraduate student.god knows how i missed every single moment- when i was a student. it the blink of an eye,it ends.several millions blinks,okay.it kinda suck because i enjoyed being a student.it's easier than facing the real world.student's world is real too, but it's more liberating.indeed,to me.

untuk hari hari yang bakal mendatang

i might have a rough year next year, juggling between everything and every single thing in between, so this is appropriate i think, shall repeat it excessively.


Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


i shall be in charge of my life, whatever happens, there is always a silver lining though sometimes i failed to see em but that does not mean they are not there.here's to 2010.

unanswered/oblivion

via Postsecret

where do i stand
precisely?
out of the skeletons
in your closet
under your bed
inside your bed

out of the women
that you painted
that you wrote
that you sung
that you consumed
that you devoured
where do i stand,
precisely.

on top of your lungs?
in between your neurons?
inside your left ventricle?
in your colon?
under your tongue?
deep inside your
gut?

or am i not inside you
or outside you
have i vanished?
have i vapor?
into the air you don't breath?

will i find me in standing in you?

November 20,2009. 8.45 p.m.

when it is no longer a promise but a threat

Ben Franklin said "do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.keep in the sunlight".

i'm not being an overtly pessimist but it's pretty cloudy lately.it's troublesome and worrisome. of course i want to be drenched in the sunlight and experience the sweet delirium of life and the future.

i'm not saying that my future is bleak.i'll be fine.

i thought future is that place filled with promises and hope but day by day i'm starting to see the dark side of it.

it's threatening.with claws reaching behind my back waiting to strike my jugular.

. via PostSecret

a conversation with gaiman on a late afternoon

he said

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love"

i said

"that's true mr.gaiman,it eats you out.love takes hostages.well said.but i don't hate love and i never will"

p/s : gaiman as in neil.

december december

it's almost december.

12 months.what have i done in the past almost 12 months.let me seeeeee.hm.

1. i finished my bachelor's degree. (all the thesis, the graduation which i will never forget - not because of the glorious joy- no)
2. got a job.
3. not anymore.
4. will continue my master's degree.
5. fell out of love. (it seems like a curse that my love life always end up after a year)
6. well, maybe that's all, maybe not.

my life is not THAT interesting.i don't hangout with celebrities.or do coke.or have a rockstar boyfriend i end up touring the States with them.no, i have a simple, ordinary life.

which i love, maybe.i don't know.don't ask me now.because right now,i crave....

peace of mind.

ciao bella! (no, not that sparkly vampire's girlfriend)

for now, i can't see the silver lining.not yet.

my life - it's spiraling downwards.

yes so i sucked at long distance relationship, yeah it's my fault.

the thing that i enjoyed doing, i don't think it's THAT enjoyable anymore.it's just, hard. (no i'm not talking about love, i'm talking about something else)

i just want to shut down shut off what ever it is.

but secretly, i'm praying to God "make it go away,all of 'em".

loveless.

i haven't been writing for almost a month now.

i don't feel like writing.to me, it's like talking, with different muscle and limbs.i talk every day, every single day, to 26 or 33 people everyday.

but i love my job,i enjoy teaching,i always do.

i'll talk about something else (write). about love perhaps.

i'm 22, i thought i know what love is.never have i realized that there's a lot more to learn about love when you're 22.

the concept of soulmate,lately, i have not been able to grasp the concept clearly because love spells bullshit currently.

i want to feel love,i want to drown in love,i want to breathe love.

but i just can't feel it this time around.

and i have a boyfriend for crying out loud. sigh.

okay okay okay.

nine days hiatus.i shall be updating about my life, now.

things are pretty much okay i guess. my classes are all okay, except for hmm,i don't think blogging about it would be a good idea but everything is okay,so far.i don't feel stressed out or whatsoever but some small, little things are bothering my mind.

small things,like insects.pests.nuisance.but no, it's not insects that are bothering me yeah.

i think that's it.

okay is good for now, don't you think?

hole in my heart

there's a hole in my heart in which it simply can't be filled with anything.

nothing.really.

it feels like a mad longing and the emptiness is aching for something.and it's tearing me down.

but this is all temporary i know and i'll get better before i know it.

i'll get used to the emptiness eventually and it will soon diminish.

p/s : it's hard being a girl because once a month, you'll come out with random emotional rambling like the one above. sometimes twice a month or worse, thrice.

clouds and their silver lining

since everyone is updating their new lives as etc etc in etc etc, i should do the same too.

haha.

i'm teaching three classes. one ESLS class and another two IELTS classes.16 credit hours.
so far, i'm having quite a good time in intec.

really,i'm quite surprised myself.

i believe in this saying 'experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted'. i was being so whiny and whimpy earlier i know, but yeah, things are catching up.

i am contented.

alhamdulillah. :)

selfish list, i miss.

i miss...

1. staying up and sleeping in.

2. i miss watching the people go by outside Cendana when i was inside, listening to counseling lectures, i never was a fan of tesl square since my route was class-home-class-home, but i miss it there.

3. sleeping with my best friend, Shairah Hana (not in a way that you would imagine yea, we have separate mattress)

4. singing rock kapaks during cheap karaoke session

5. taking the train after class so that i could hang out and stay up late some more

6. walking to Cili Merah with Ain

7. most of my friends, their quirks and all

damn i feel nostalgic.

life in shah alam, post study.

i am in shah alam.will be in shah alam, until November i guess.passing by the pak guard, driving, it feels odd.and overwhelming.looking at the students, the juniors laughing as they jog to class, i feel...

this violent whirlwind of envy and jealousy are churning down the pit of my stomach.never have i been so envious of someone in my whole life before.

it's not the same.despite the driving and the staff sticker and the getting-paid-for-it, it's not the same.

i really miss being a student.the liberty.the leisure. (yes even after going through the experience of the tiring AE and bundles of assignments) the liberty is pretty much a liberty, studying is not that hard after all, if you screw up, you just screw yourself up.whereas, in the working world, i dare not say liberty but merely the lack of it.and if you screw up, you're taking a lot of people down the cliff with you.

this is life, i often tell myself.i could have it the other way around but since it's not happening, i should deal it with the way it is.

i'll give my best and hopefully, by the end of the year, i have something to look back and reflect upon, maybe it is not as bad as it seems now.

maybe.as in right now,i'll stick to the nawaitu which is to teach, regardless where i am and who they are.

kurus dan degupan jantung tidak sekata

aku dah kurus.aku yakin.

ye rakan rakan.terima kasih kepada tekanan hidup dan masalah yang timbul akibat membuat keputusan tidak best dan juga takdir.

kini lemak di pinggul telah berkurangan.cubit cubit tak dapat.maksudnya dah kurang atau hampir tiada lah kan kan.

walau belum official lagi turun berat ke tak (sebab tak pergi timbang kati lagi), aku terasa akan kekurusan dan kekusutan ku ini.

jantung aku juga sejak kebelakangan ini, ritmanya lari tempo.kadang berdegup terlalu laju, kadang berdegup perlahan 20km/j.kadang kadang kosong.kadang kadang penuh kesal.kadang kadang marah.

aku masih muda untuk mati kerana ritma degupan jantung tak sekata dan tekanan hidup self inflicted.

jadi hari esok, aku ingin menjadi positif.

emotional cockscrew.

it has been one rough week.

and i'm barely breathing (the cough, the flu and all) (no, it's not swine)

i don't know what to say.i crave this silence of the mind.nowadays, my mind never seem to shut up.

i am yet to say that i am happy with my life but things are picking up.

i am learning the art of letting go.


p/s: no, it's not 'letting go' of love. the love department is working well.it's the other departments that are not doing good.

hating the unhappiness.

i am unhappy.and i'm hating it.

how could a person tolerate such emotions.hatred and unhappiness altogether.it's like arsenic and cyanide, and drinking them raw. to add to that, i feel a pang of regret throbbing underneath my skin.on top of it all, i also feel incompetent, inept as if all the confidence in me has suddenly left for a vacation somewhere in the Arctic territory and the plane they were traveling on, exploded mid air, in the frozen Arctic air.leaving no survivor.

i am holding on to the morsels of confidence left, about 2 milligrams of it.

i am scared, like a child parting with his mother for the very first time.

i always choose to plunge headfirst into a terrible bad mood, experiencing major anxiety and relentless excessive thinking.

i feel like i can't be fixed. these, these stupid thoughts in me, they are going to stay.i don't want them to.

i feel weak, but i keep the game face on every hours and it was getting tiresome.

i still hate driving.i do.i really do.

the unhappiness and the driving, UGH.i drive like a broccoli.if the broccoli were to grow limbs with no brain, they will probably drive better than me.

off topic, referring to the previous post, i don't think i have the rights to blame anyone if i'm not getting what i want.because in the first place, i don't even know what i want.i have no clue.i was an indecisive wreck.

i'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist or a counselor perhaps.or perhaps talk to God more often.

life sans happiness.

they say, hate is a strong word.Toadies sang 'you're the song i hate but i can't let go'.hate is bad.hate kills.hate heals.it's up to you.

i really want to say that i hate my life, but that will only shock the masses (as if they care).
to be fair, i would say that i am unhappy.perhaps deeply unhappy because, if i were to say the reasons, uhm (it occurs to me that the reasons are rather puny; when i typed it down, so instead of listing the reasons, i came up with this sentence).

okay, i'm unhappy because of the decisions i made.have my conscience and instinct gone kaput? is it them or is it me.is it my head or my heart or my guts or the universe, or God? i'm not blaming God of course, as this is God's plan for me.God has plan for everyone i believe.

i only wish for courage and patience and several other virtues.

i'm unhappy because i don't get what i want and things are not going my way.but hey that's life.nobody gets EVERYTHING they want.sometimes, life will sneak up on you and ambushes you during unpredictable times.when your guards are down on the ground.in the gutter.life will knock you down.you may have settled to one thought or decision when things may inevitably make a 360 degree turn.and scared the daylights out of you.

those were the things.the things that made me the terrible mess i was (and still am) these past few days.

somehow, the words that i've typed sound sensible, unlike the thoughts that have been dwelling in my mind,those were not my thoughts when i spent my day sniffing and sobbing and complaining to the boyfriend.

i wish somebody can just shake me and knock some sense into my head.i need to be enlightened. i need to wake up!

(the boyfriend will prolly throw up at the last two sentences due to my constant whining and crying that he saw which were definitely not parallel with the words i said just now : the enlightenment thingamajig.i definitely didn't sound like i wanted to be enlightened. all i ever muttered was "i want to sleep all day")

emotionally inept.

as in right now, i am definitely not available emotionally.yes.

it was a train wreck followed by some other huge calamities, to the heart.oh at this moment this line is blasting out from my speakers

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

i'm kind of confused with my feeling right now. maybe it's the PMS (oh how i love to blame 'em pms-es), maybe it's the fight, maybe it's the kindness.i don't know.but i have been crying pretty much every night these past few nights.it's so stupid.

but i'm pretty sure that my heart is kind of paralyzed and is playing some mean tricks.

i'm already 22, love shouldn't be a big issue but somehow it is.

for the first time in a very long time, love seems confusing to me.i feel 14 again.