puppy love itu patutnya cinta anak anjing.

just so you know, i've been dating boys (of course, i don't date girls) since i was very young.and this is in my journal,very embarrassing but i'll write it down anyhow, you are allowed to laugh.or cry.

29 November 2001,

now, aku terpaksa bersedia utk menghadapi sebarang kemungkinan, kalau dia nak break, anggaplah ia sebagai satu hakikat yg memedihkan. terima sajalah takdir yang ditetapkan Tuhan, afifah.kalau aku bukan untuk dia, nak buat mcm mana,dah orang tak sudi,cuma aku minta agar dia jangan menyesal kelak.aku akan cuba pujuk hati yang lara ini dan ambil ia sebagai pengajaran. kalau dia nak damai or berbaik semula, berbaiklah kami.jangan ulang lagi silap ini okay? tapi aku tak dapat lupakan kepedihan ini.apa yang aku terdaya nak cakap is why all this, why now, why me?

punya lah gatal umur 14 tulis madah putus hati begitu sekali.

perlu bakar rasanya semua itu.

the ghost of a young girl.

this is something from my old journal as i've been re-reading it for these past few days.

11.40 p.m,31st October 2001,

there's a day or moment when i don't know how i feel about life.i was standing cluelessly in front of the bathroom door.i don't know how i feel.i feel. sad for not being a rich man's daughter? happy to be in a middle class working family? sad because i'm not allowed to do things-i'm-not-s'pose-to do- but-i-feel-happy-doing it? angry because i'm in love with a boy who doesn't love me back? confuse, i really don't know.there's a time when i feel empty.sort of like,lonely.misery.i feel blank. i feel like i don't have anyone in this world. there's a time when i feel so happy, so fresh and so alive and there's a time when i feel sad,so down, so low. maybe this is a phase of life.

i was 14.fourteen.and yes, that WAS growing pain, in text form for ya.maybe that is why i was never really a rebel and i never smoke as a teen.

because i wrote it all down.

i know where i'm going.

when i was young, very young, i kept a journal.three.in all those journals, i never failed to write down my ambitions, my childhood and teenhood ambitions. (i made up 'teenhood', can't find its equivalent).

you see, i wanted to be a dentist, kindergarten teacher, teacher, astronaut, paleontologist, writer, lecturer, firefighter, researcher, philosopher, psychologist, fashion designer, song-writer, film maker or a housewife. eversince i was young (according to my journal cause i wrote em down as 'my ambition from young 'till now')

and i feel, hey my childhood dreams do come true.

i was once a high school teacher for three months, i wrote a song for my buddies band when i was 15 and i lost the CD apparently, the band was called Mistral just like the electric fan's brand. i did my academic research for my academic exercise.well, that doesn't make me a researcher but i went through all the trouble you know.

from the look of MY current situation, i think i'm going to be fine.

i know where i'm going and i'll see you there. :)

out and about.

i went shopping with Mak earlier this afternoon.well, nowhere fancy, the usual Jalan TAR.
due to my current 'situation',of course,going to Kuala Lumpur during a school holiday is an exciting thing.i'm dying to get out of the house and usually i have nowhere to go,yes don't u worry,i DO have friends.its just, we're absent from each other.

haha.

okay.so i was at the lrt station,i love riding the lrt more than driving a car thank you.but i particularly hated it when...

a guy whose nationality i will not disclose stood in front of me, i'm all washed up and puffed and perfumed,and that guy smell like...

you know what i mean, and the odour went straight to my occipital lobe.

i know, its a personal choice,its a free mad world, people don't have to shower if they don't want to, they don't have to wear Rexona or Dashing if they don't want to,it's perfectly fine.

i think next time, i'm going to fill my shirt and jeans with rancid beef and onions and my brother's socks.and see people struggling for breath like i did though i didn't really struggle, it's just,it made me feel like laughing and it's hard trying not to laugh and holding your breath at the same time.

of course i won't be that stupid (beside it's not a clever analogy, having a BO and smothering your skin with foul stuffs - eh, )

the point is,about that guy in the lrt, at the very least...

you don't have to raise both of your armpits high up in the air blocking my air ventilation and sanity!

peace.

on pain

khalil gibran said in his poem 'On Pain'

"much of your pain is self-chosen"

i guess that is true.

and he also mentioned

"and you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields."

who knows that such passing of seasons is so heart breaking.

:(

driving depriving.

driving.

sigh.

i think i am capable of the unthinkable, i can soar like an eagle and swim like a shark, but driving...
okay let me rephrase, of course i can't soar or swim (yep, i can't), i am putting driving on the same level of flying and swimming.

ok this doesnt make any sense, swimming is easy,it's just i can't.

and i can drive.but i will piss off every moving vehicles on the road (i can't piss off non-moving vehicles, i don't know how). i drive at a mere 40km/hr and to me, that's like the first half of Fast and Furious.

i am not fond of driving, i cant say i hate it, its just, not my cup of tea.

but tell me my dear friends, who is moronic enough, thinking the cure for the lack of passion for driving IS purchasing a new automatic car (not with my money of course, but i'll be paying for it guess i'm that moron).

sigh.and letting my dad be the co-pilot is not really helpful when Ayah being the Ayah i know for the 22 years of my living days.sigh.he'll repeat the same things "apa yang susah, kan senang, kan senang", not knowing my fear of other fast moving cars.and the highway exit.and roundabouts.

i know i'm an idiot and now i'm going to counsel myself with the REBT techniques.

or maybe psycoanalysis if i have to.

and maybe then, i can drive like there's no tomorrow.

yes, boredom never kills.i hope not.

it has been precisely 32 days since i left shah alam.i've been doing nothing productive really, except for attending series of job interviews but i dont think i've been in a mall for this past 32 days (tesco extra is not a mall, not to me, it's a place where i'll be all giddy and hype over keropok Super Ring) yes my life is THAT pathetic.

i really have no cash left and i can't afford to go anywhere.not even to the Kiosk where i used to work.yes i'm THAT broke. and yes i can ask my parents for a few bucks but they are not buying the tricks anymore because they believe, NO ONE has ever died from excessive boredom.(since my excuse will be 'boring gilaaaa,nak duit nak keluar).

if only i saved some of my allowance during the glorious university year (cheh padahal baru sebulan habis belajar), maybe i won't be this miserable.

since i'm in KJ, my besties here, well there's only one left and she is busy with her works of course (she's in the quantity surveying biz), another one who live one floor below is working in Seremban. sigh.

my misery will end in June cause i'll be working in July insyaallah. by then, you know i'll lament and groan and complaint on how miserable working life is.

i'll find my optimistic chakra back and then everyday, will be a new exciting day.

sort of.