the highlights of my 2009 - the best

some of the best of 2009

1. Buzzcocks - watching them in flesh and blood right before my very own eyes (and touching them in a way you wouldn't imagine as well) it was great, it was surreal, when i'm down, i just have to remember this moment and so far, it never fails to make me smile and grin.i met this great guy as well so it was just perfect.

2. being able to drive - FINALLY.for 22 years and 4 months i have been living with the thought that i can't drive and driving is next to impossible.but no way jose, in June i was finally driving my ass to and from work.my driving-confidence is picking up though i can't back park or parallel park, it's okay.

3. getting a first real job with a paycheck and and i enjoyed my job.i really do.NOT because of the paycheck but i love teaching.

4. i have a love-hate (30 percent love/70 percent hate) relationship with my convocation but i am thankful for it, for getting a degree after all those sweats and bloods and tears and shits.

well i am really grateful for my health throughout 2009, for my family, for my friends- those who share either laughter or tears or both, who are there for me when i need them the most. my life may have not been perfect. i have equal share of joy and pain, everything rolled into one. i would have changed it if i can but i don't want to.

2010, please be kind to everyone.

the uhm, downlights of my 2009 - the worst

top 4 suckiest things

1. the time when i have just finished my studies and was about to work my very first job and i was in a middle of cross road, can't choose what i want but what i got turned out to be great as well (the silver lining ;-). the worse part was the crossroad thing, that particular feeling.i don't want to let myself EXPERIENCE it ever again.

2. some 'technical' or maybe bureaucratic problem regarding my convocation.that pink sash.i am still quite bitter about it.5 years of hard work equal to uhm close to nothing.YOU don't understand how it feels.so don't tell me 'just enjoy the moment'.it was painful.

3. failing a long distance relationship.but truth be told, things have been gradually declining way back before it really ends.this is not the suckiest.i'm sorry.

4. i'm no longer an undergraduate student.god knows how i missed every single moment- when i was a student. it the blink of an eye,it ends.several millions blinks,okay.it kinda suck because i enjoyed being a student.it's easier than facing the real world.student's world is real too, but it's more liberating.indeed,to me.

untuk hari hari yang bakal mendatang

i might have a rough year next year, juggling between everything and every single thing in between, so this is appropriate i think, shall repeat it excessively.


Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


i shall be in charge of my life, whatever happens, there is always a silver lining though sometimes i failed to see em but that does not mean they are not there.here's to 2010.

unanswered/oblivion

via Postsecret

where do i stand
precisely?
out of the skeletons
in your closet
under your bed
inside your bed

out of the women
that you painted
that you wrote
that you sung
that you consumed
that you devoured
where do i stand,
precisely.

on top of your lungs?
in between your neurons?
inside your left ventricle?
in your colon?
under your tongue?
deep inside your
gut?

or am i not inside you
or outside you
have i vanished?
have i vapor?
into the air you don't breath?

will i find me in standing in you?

November 20,2009. 8.45 p.m.

when it is no longer a promise but a threat

Ben Franklin said "do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.keep in the sunlight".

i'm not being an overtly pessimist but it's pretty cloudy lately.it's troublesome and worrisome. of course i want to be drenched in the sunlight and experience the sweet delirium of life and the future.

i'm not saying that my future is bleak.i'll be fine.

i thought future is that place filled with promises and hope but day by day i'm starting to see the dark side of it.

it's threatening.with claws reaching behind my back waiting to strike my jugular.

. via PostSecret

a conversation with gaiman on a late afternoon

he said

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love"

i said

"that's true mr.gaiman,it eats you out.love takes hostages.well said.but i don't hate love and i never will"

p/s : gaiman as in neil.