Sunday, December 28, 2008

penjenamaan semula seorang epifah.

lagi beberapa hari je nak 2009.setiap awal tahun baru,pasti akan ku berkata kepada diri sendiri 'pejam celik mesti dah 2009 punya'.kan betul.tapi dalam proses nak memejam dan mencelik tu banyak sangat kejadian kejadian serta tragedi tragedi.

aku dah semakin tua.dah tidak belasan tahun lagi.14 February depan aku dah 22 aku kena menjadi seorang epifah yang berusia 22 tahun.tapi tidak,aku tidak akan berhenti menonton Oggy and the Cockroaches,tidak akan berhenti membaca Ujang.

i'm going to say yes (ye aku tau,aku terpengaruh Yes Man,walaupun belum tengok). i am going to say YES to diligence and hard work. i am going to say YES to success.i am going to say YES to things i believe are going to be good to me and people around me.i am going to say YES to opportunity.

aku harap 2009 akan berlaku baik kepada kita semua.aku harap nyawa aku dan engkorang suma masih panjang.supaya kita dapat memperbaiki apa yang tak pernah baik, apa yang tak boleh baik.kita semua ada peluang yang sama.ewah.

selamat tahun baru dan selamat menyambut maal hijrah. :)

Friday, December 26, 2008

wrists are made to bend.NO.

oh noo.i dreamt the weirdest dream ever.i think i've a weird lesbian foursome dream last night.i can't remember whether i was a voyeur or i was involved in the act.but i remember waking up feeling electric and thinking what the hell.

i am straight as an unbendable iron ruler though i do love to watch hot chicks but i LOVE men okay.all the time.ha ha.

tag along.for adults only.

adib tagged me.well i believe it was me.haha.ini dia.
1. Pilih satu barang yang paling anda suka/gemar/sayang/sanjung
- my lucky thong.ha ha.

2. Senaraikan 5 sebab kenapa anda suka/gemar/sayang/sanjung barang tersebut
- sebab dia kecik,merah,selesa,ada gambar roket dan tidak memberi ilusi VPL.

3. Nyatakan apa yang akan terjadi kalau barang itu tiba-tiba tiada pada anda?
- aaa beli yang lain kot.

4. Sertakan gambar anda bersama barang tersebut
- huish gila kauu.ha ha.

5.Tag rakan-rakan lain.
- semua pun sudah.

oh romeo romeo.

i was listening to the radio when i heard taylor swift's 'love song'.it's a super super sweet song and it makes me all mushy (despite being emo,nampak sangat emo yang tipu lagi mengada2,haha). here are some of the lyrics that makes me feel so perasan.

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Romeo save me; they're tryin' to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid; we'll make it out of this mess.
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

And I said,
"Romeo save me - I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think-"

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me, Juliet. you'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress;
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes'. suhweet.taylor swift is such a babe like a decent one.aha.

apabila ada hormones imbalance.

mestilah kita rasa emo.lepas tu kita dengar pulak lagu Stone Sour 'Bother' and lagu Johnny Cash 'Hurt'.tentulah lagi escalate emo pulak lama tak emo emo ni. ding dong.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

yang kaya lagi menyusahkan.

disebabkan dulu aku pernah bekerja di kedai runcit,makanya,adalah beberapa perkarayang paling aku benci sebenci2 nya.

1. bila orang beli sebatang mentos yang berharga RM1.40 dan bayar guna RM 100.tambah2 lagi bila awal pagi.

2. bila pembayaran menggunakan not2 RM 100 dan RM50 itu datang berturut2 dan barang yang dibeli adalah seperti belacan (RM 1.50), air mineral (RM 1) atau coki2 tiga (RM 0.90). nasib baik lah aku memang hipokrit orangya.darah dah mendidih dekat kepala tapi boleh je lagi senyum sambil pulangkan baki 'terima kasih..' tanpa nada menyindir langsung.

ye aku tau memang ramai orang kaya dalam Malaysia ni.tapi dah kaya tu jangan lah menyusah kan orang pulak. heh.

obsession number 6.

the watchmen's the's so damn amazing and i got goosebumps and the hair on my arms stand like crazy.every single time i watch it.

the part where Rorschach says "the world will look up and shout 'save us' and i'll whisper 'No'.." is damn amazingg.

i am Jack's wasted life.

a whole new year is coming up! suddenly, i am in my reminiscing mode.2008.hmmm.lots of things happen in 2008.yang best, yang x are some of my highlights.or downlights should i say.haha.

1. LOVE - i greet 2008 with such hatred.i have a fight with my then boyfriend.we fight all the way until february and broke up a week after my birthday (february 14 is my birthday).it was a sucky experience,but i've been in worser situation and we broke up peacefully i guess. no grudge and whatsoever,and there's a miracle out of that garbage dump of situation. so i didnt cry for long.i think i bounce back easily.he ultimately find someone new and oh so sweet and i have found my greatest bliss in Lan.

2. BANDS - i have the chance to go and watch my favorite international bands perform live here in malaysia.woo hoo. though there are lots of bands that came throughout the year,i've only been to three shows which were Bleeding Through, Horse The Band and CALIBAN.Marta was so damn hot.I've got to watch Horse The Band semi naked ( they were performing with their BRIEFS on and nothing else), and i've got to have a short chit chat with Caliban's drummer,in GERMAN.and the sweetest memory would be taking a snap with Andy,cheek to cheek.and oh,not forgetting Myproof and exchanging some silly Japanese words.heh heh.

3. SCHOOL - i finally get the taste of being a TEACHER.i survived practicum,i did.i was an English teacher at Sekolah Menengah Teknik Shah Alam. i taught two form 4 classes and it was one of my finest memory ever.i enjoyed teaching, i enjoyed being around them though i dont socialize well with the teachers as they are much older but it was a good experience none the less.

4. KEDAI RUNCIT - it was a good experience as well.i finally has a stable temporary was great.i've got to meet people everyday.all kinds of people,believe taught me a lot in a way i can't explain.

so,literally i met a lot of new people in 2008.i am freaking nervous about 2009. jangan lah jumpa orang yang psycho2 lagi.i have enough.that's all for now, i'll update later.cheers~

Thursday, December 11, 2008

and if you die,i want to die with you.

That’s how I felt when my atuk died. 21st January 2006, how could I ever forget that date? I know that he’s been sick for the past 3 days. He had a heart attack. But I can never imagine that he will leave us all. Yes, I wish for him to be immortal but I know,we all know that all living creatures will have to face their maker someday. Maybe, all I wanted was, for me to die first, not him.I last met him during Aidil Adha. Weeks after that, I get a terrified phone call from my mother saying that atuk is in hospital and we’re going to visit him straight away. But he didn’t make it. He died while we (me, mom and dad) were on our way. For minutes, I told myself that this is a nightmare. He can’t be gone. I saw him two weeks before lively and happy. He can’t be dead before seeing me. As soon as we arrived at the hospital (Pantai Medical), my uncle led us to his room. My legs are all weak and then I saw him and I couldn’t held my tears.

Through my vision, blurred with tears, I saw him lying there as if he was sleeping. I kissed his forehead and it felt cold. At that time, I just want to lie beside him. I just want to die beside him. Then, the doctor asked us to wait outside. My mom and dad were busy for I don’t know what. I was alone, crying alone at the hospital corner. I felt so exposed and cold, in fact was shivering. No one hugged me or comforted me. Yeah, I wish my mom could’ve had hug me at that time. But she didn’t. When I arrived at kampung later on, things just get worst.

My nenek fainted, everybody was crying. The next morning, there were a lot of people, people with sad sympathetic look on their faces. Sometimes, I just wish that all of them will go away and leave us alone. But they didn’t and they stayed to the very end. That’s what relatives supposed to do, I guess. I can also remember the time when he was being prepared, kapan and all, he was placed on a hearse with semi cylinder zinc cover which later on will be covered with sejadah and so on. My little cousin asked everyone, “Kenapa atuk duduk dalam tin?” No one could answer him and he kept asking until his mom took him away to somewhere else. My nenek said to me “Atuk baru cakap dia teringin nak naik kereta dgn kau” I’ve just received my driving license. Can you imagine how I felt at that time? He even planned to get me a car. When he was about to be carried away to the cemetery, I found all my girl cousins crying at a patio that my grandpa had just finished working on. I sat with them and we cried together. I hugged them all, knowing what it felt like to cry alone and without someone hugging you. At that time, I wished things will be normal, that he will come to us, smiling and said "Jangan menangis lagi, atuk kan ada"


what i've become (sangat emo on december 10,06)

i know what you want.a good girl? a nice girl? a girl who has never been touched by any man? a girl who has never watched porn? an innocent girl?a pretty girl?a girl who listens to everything you says? a girl who compromises herself and standard just for you? what are you? a saint? believe it mister, you're not that and you never will be.i know you, maybe not too well, but i know guys like you. the one who goes around fucking stupid girls and in the end, you want a nice pretty good girl for your future girlfriend/wife.that's not going to happen.bad guys marry bad girls.that's the way it goes.i hope you get what you want cause i know that you will never get it.

i'm happy with my life now.i may not be good.or pious.or innocent.but i know what i'm doing.and i know that i'm not you.or her.and that satisfies me just enough. i'm better now.and i know that too.this is the reality.i've snapped out of my dream long ago.i'm living my reality.and it's perfectly fine to me.because i've seen the truth.

When truth was revealed to me I never doubted it - Holy Quran.

the cats of my life (dec 5 06)

i never use to be a cat lover.when i was a small girl, i was brutally scratched by a cat. that answers my fear of i grew older,the fear diminished little by little.i officially hold a cat when i was 13 or 14.i pat them on the head before but i never actually hold them in my cut a long story short,few cats come in my life, making me a slightly different person.i am now a born again cat lover.

1. This is one of my most beloved cat.her name is Jel.she was frenzy at time, running and jumping around.she loved chocolate and sleeping.i LOVE her.when i was down,she surrendered her body.for the continuos snuggling and patting.she was a good girl, gatal at time and she loved Kojek our ex neighbour.she dashed out of the house whenever she heard Kojek's motorcyle.but now she's gone.if she's still alive,i hope she's doing fine.

2.This white fellow is one of my estranged neighbour's cat.i fell in love at first sight with him. during my discovery of him, the Korean series 'My Girl' was on.I decided to name him Gong Chan, as in the hero in 'My Girl'.Gong Chan the cat is a gangster/ mobster. he controlled his turf (Jalan Bawal 2 17/3b).he's snowy white with an edge.dirty tails and head.very manja at times.i love holding and kissing was divine.he was easily lured and cocky.and that makes him GREAT.

3. He is the reincarnation of the first cat that i loved in my life ever.Noneng.he resides at my nenek's house but he was never welcome because he likes to 'mark' his territorial with awful smelling urine.The territorials include my pakcik's back( he was menyiang ikan outside when Noneng squirt) and my baju kurung. he got raspy and harsh voice, very macho indeed. he's a tough fella and a womanizer.But lately, he became a manizer as well.nenek said that "Noneng kawin dgn kucing jantan".he's a bisexual.however, he died last week, due to AIDS or STD perhaps.i hope he's in cat heaven having the times of his after-life.i'll miss you.

The next cat is Si Demuk of Fakulti Pendidikan. He's this fat cat lazing around our faculty.I adore him, i love him more than i love my lecturers( except for Dr Burn and Ms Amy).he's horny, fat and manja.he enjoy the company of sleek ladies.he's grateful as well.and he makes me cheerful when i'm at campus.

Last but not least, the greatest cat ever in history, cat that connects me and my bestie, holier than thou, the godfather, the double 0 himself, Macho of Kolej Akasia/Cemara.I miss him the most.He was big, ignorant, cocky and self centered. i met him on 2004.and his whereabout is almost unknown nowadays.but i wish him well and happiness.

That's all my friend, the cats of my life.The list will continue,I'm sure.

as quoted by Albert Schweitzer,
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

"LOSER: Anyone too incompetent to master the ways of the world, or too proud." (10/29/06)

Basically, i'm thinking of one loser right now and as i browse the UltraZord Internet, i found a quotation from The Cynic's Dictionary. Forget about the loser, the tought of him is making me nauseous. So, Raya holiday is coming to an end. My first paper is on the 1st and yikes! i haven't study even a tad bit. Shoot.I'm so not in the mood to study cause my heart feels heavy.heh.a sign of mengada-ngadaness. but i guess everybody feels that way except for-uhm a few people i knew. Anyway, i went to see my friend's baby (the one i mentioned in the previous blog) last night.He is such an angel. A little angel name Khalis Syakir. He is so small and his small head is topped with black hair.He was born on FRIDAY THE 13th. friggin' awesome! i am now an auntie. As i hold him in my arm, i can't hardly believe that he comes out of my friend's womb-a friend that i knew for 6 years approx. Oh, and i can't stand listening to my friend's story in the labor room. The pain and all. I hope i'm strong enough when the time arrives. Takpe2, lama lagi-worry later. Supposedly,i need to worry about my exam right now. *screams*

By the way i can't wait to get deaf at next Saturday's gig! After 'berpuasa' for a month, i deserved an ear shattering weekend. Cheers~~

p/s: wish me luck for my finals!

what am i to you (7/29/2006)

this is me.
then you have to fall in love with the real me.
i can give you everything you need.
but i can't be what i'm not.
and i won't compromise my identity.
i'm expressive.
i may not be soft spoken.i may not be graceful.
and i'm not her.
and i will never be.
cause i don't want to be anybody else but me.
i can change for good.
but what is your good?
good to me is being true and unpretentious.
well,maybe i'll talk a little softer,laugh a little softer
walk a little slower,
get some beauty make over.
but i want you to open your eyes.
and love me.
don't love what you see.
cause eyes can be deceiving.

we'll remember what we choose.

we'll remember what we lose.

experience on courtesy (june 23,2006)

you see,i was in a putra lrt to kl sentral.the train was not packed but there were no seats available. i was standing and holding on to a front of me,there were four ladies dressed up nicely, all muslim ladies.they sat at the 'disable,for elderly and pregnant' seats. when the train reached kerinchi or bangsar (well,it's been a year and i cant vividly recalled the exact place),came two elderly couple. i'm pretty sure that the old man was about 90 years old or something. come on,his knees were wobbling! he look so frail and old with a cane and all. that old man stood beside me. his wife looked like 60 something.and you know what,all that ladies in front of me,NONE of them make an effort to offer that old man a seat!the old man was trying to stay balance yet all of them buat muka macam pigs. i was making this noises with my jaw and i swear,i squint at all of them real hard.all i wanna do at that time was to shoved my dirty sneakers inside their fucking mouth. the things that irk me the most are they dressed up so decent, with tudung and all and they refuse to gave up their seats!.i tthought that they are full with gracious manners and eastern ladies politeness.and they i swear 3 of em wore long and loosefitting a really decent one.i cant bear to be in that situation.feeling totally helpless. and up till now,i regret it for not slapping all that ho's or even reminding them of the existance of the old man next to me.and when the train reached klsentral,a lot of people were rushing in and i took a good look at the old man,trying to balance himself even harder,and i whispered an inaudible sorry and get out of the train.

god,what a coward i was.

upgrade scmhupgrade.

oukay.after a one or two year hiatus,i think i might write again.but i am so damn lazy to the extend i just want to lie in bed all day doing i'll start with re-posting my old posts from friendster's blog.not all of it though.some that i think are still relevant to my life now because i was 18/19/20 yo back then and boy wasn't i angry. (due to series of unproductive relationships, not in a reproductive way though,i mean a series of relationship's failure).so gone the angry girl and here i am,21 and kicking.