Sunday, December 28, 2008

penjenamaan semula seorang epifah.

lagi beberapa hari je nak 2009.setiap awal tahun baru,pasti akan ku berkata kepada diri sendiri 'pejam celik mesti dah 2009 punya'.kan betul.tapi dalam proses nak memejam dan mencelik tu banyak sangat kejadian kejadian serta tragedi tragedi.

aku dah semakin tua.dah tidak belasan tahun lagi.14 February depan aku dah 22 tahun.ye aku kena menjadi seorang epifah yang berusia 22 tahun.tapi tidak,aku tidak akan berhenti menonton Oggy and the Cockroaches,tidak akan berhenti membaca Ujang.

i'm going to say yes (ye aku tau,aku terpengaruh Yes Man,walaupun belum tengok). i am going to say YES to diligence and hard work. i am going to say YES to success.i am going to say YES to things i believe are going to be good to me and people around me.i am going to say YES to opportunity.

aku harap 2009 akan berlaku baik kepada kita semua.aku harap nyawa aku dan engkorang suma masih panjang.supaya kita dapat memperbaiki apa yang tak pernah baik, apa yang tak boleh baik.kita semua ada peluang yang sama.ewah.

selamat tahun baru dan selamat menyambut maal hijrah. :)

Friday, December 26, 2008

wrists are made to bend.NO.

oh noo.i dreamt the weirdest dream ever.i think i've a weird lesbian foursome dream last night.i can't remember whether i was a voyeur or i was involved in the act.but i remember waking up feeling electric and thinking what the hell.

i am straight as an unbendable iron ruler though i do love to watch hot chicks but i LOVE men okay.all the time.ha ha.

tag along.for adults only.

adib tagged me.well i believe it was me.haha.ini dia.
1. Pilih satu barang yang paling anda suka/gemar/sayang/sanjung
- my lucky thong.ha ha.

2. Senaraikan 5 sebab kenapa anda suka/gemar/sayang/sanjung barang tersebut
- sebab dia kecik,merah,selesa,ada gambar roket dan tidak memberi ilusi VPL.

3. Nyatakan apa yang akan terjadi kalau barang itu tiba-tiba tiada pada anda?
- aaa beli yang lain kot.

4. Sertakan gambar anda bersama barang tersebut
- huish gila kauu.ha ha.

5.Tag rakan-rakan lain.
- semua pun sudah.

oh romeo romeo.

i was listening to the radio when i heard taylor swift's 'love song'.it's a super super sweet song and it makes me all mushy (despite being emo,nampak sangat emo yang tipu lagi mengada2,haha). here are some of the lyrics that makes me feel so perasan.

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Romeo save me; they're tryin' to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid; we'll make it out of this mess.
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

And I said,
"Romeo save me - I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think-"

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me, Juliet. you'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress;
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes'.

aww.so suhweet.taylor swift is such a babe like a decent one.aha.

apabila ada hormones imbalance.

mestilah kita rasa emo.lepas tu kita dengar pulak lagu Stone Sour 'Bother' and lagu Johnny Cash 'Hurt'.tentulah lagi escalate emo itu.haha.best pulak lama tak emo emo ni. ding dong.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

yang kaya lagi menyusahkan.

disebabkan dulu aku pernah bekerja di kedai runcit,makanya,adalah beberapa perkarayang paling aku benci sebenci2 nya.

1. bila orang beli sebatang mentos yang berharga RM1.40 dan bayar guna RM 100.tambah2 lagi bila awal pagi.

2. bila pembayaran menggunakan not2 RM 100 dan RM50 itu datang berturut2 dan barang yang dibeli adalah seperti belacan (RM 1.50), air mineral (RM 1) atau coki2 tiga (RM 0.90). nasib baik lah aku memang hipokrit orangya.darah dah mendidih dekat kepala tapi boleh je lagi senyum sambil pulangkan baki 'terima kasih..' tanpa nada menyindir langsung.

ye aku tau memang ramai orang kaya dalam Malaysia ni.tapi dah kaya tu jangan lah menyusah kan orang pulak. heh.

obsession number 6.

the watchmen obsession.here's the trailer.it's so damn amazing and i got goosebumps and the hair on my arms stand like crazy.every single time i watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4blSrZvPhU

video

the part where Rorschach says "the world will look up and shout 'save us' and i'll whisper 'No'.." is damn amazingg.

i am Jack's wasted life.

a whole new year is coming up! suddenly, i am in my reminiscing mode.2008.hmmm.lots of things happen in 2008.yang best, yang x best.here are some of my highlights.or downlights should i say.haha.


1. LOVE - i greet 2008 with such hatred.i have a fight with my then boyfriend.we fight all the way until february and broke up a week after my birthday (february 14 is my birthday).it was a sucky experience,but i've been in worser situation and we broke up peacefully i guess. no grudge and whatsoever,and there's a miracle out of that garbage dump of situation. so i didnt cry for long.i think i bounce back easily.he ultimately find someone new and oh so sweet and i have found my greatest bliss in Lan.

2. BANDS - i have the chance to go and watch my favorite international bands perform live here in malaysia.woo hoo. though there are lots of bands that came throughout the year,i've only been to three shows which were Bleeding Through, Horse The Band and CALIBAN.Marta was so damn hot.I've got to watch Horse The Band semi naked ( they were performing with their BRIEFS on and nothing else), and i've got to have a short chit chat with Caliban's drummer,in GERMAN.and the sweetest memory would be taking a snap with Andy,cheek to cheek.and oh,not forgetting Myproof and exchanging some silly Japanese words.heh heh.

3. SCHOOL - i finally get the taste of being a TEACHER.i survived practicum,i did.i was an English teacher at Sekolah Menengah Teknik Shah Alam. i taught two form 4 classes and it was one of my finest memory ever.i enjoyed teaching, i enjoyed being around them though i dont socialize well with the teachers as they are much older but it was a good experience none the less.

4. KEDAI RUNCIT - it was a good experience as well.i finally has a stable temporary job.it was great.i've got to meet people everyday.all kinds of people,believe me.it taught me a lot in a way i can't explain.

so,literally i met a lot of new people in 2008.i am freaking nervous about 2009. jangan lah jumpa orang yang psycho2 lagi.i have enough.that's all for now, i'll update later.cheers~

Thursday, December 11, 2008

and if you die,i want to die with you.

That’s how I felt when my atuk died. 21st January 2006, how could I ever forget that date? I know that he’s been sick for the past 3 days. He had a heart attack. But I can never imagine that he will leave us all. Yes, I wish for him to be immortal but I know,we all know that all living creatures will have to face their maker someday. Maybe, all I wanted was, for me to die first, not him.I last met him during Aidil Adha. Weeks after that, I get a terrified phone call from my mother saying that atuk is in hospital and we’re going to visit him straight away. But he didn’t make it. He died while we (me, mom and dad) were on our way. For minutes, I told myself that this is a nightmare. He can’t be gone. I saw him two weeks before lively and happy. He can’t be dead before seeing me. As soon as we arrived at the hospital (Pantai Medical), my uncle led us to his room. My legs are all weak and then I saw him and I couldn’t held my tears.


Through my vision, blurred with tears, I saw him lying there as if he was sleeping. I kissed his forehead and it felt cold. At that time, I just want to lie beside him. I just want to die beside him. Then, the doctor asked us to wait outside. My mom and dad were busy for I don’t know what. I was alone, crying alone at the hospital corner. I felt so exposed and cold, in fact was shivering. No one hugged me or comforted me. Yeah, I wish my mom could’ve had hug me at that time. But she didn’t. When I arrived at kampung later on, things just get worst.

My nenek fainted, everybody was crying. The next morning, there were a lot of people, people with sad sympathetic look on their faces. Sometimes, I just wish that all of them will go away and leave us alone. But they didn’t and they stayed to the very end. That’s what relatives supposed to do, I guess. I can also remember the time when he was being prepared, kapan and all, he was placed on a hearse with semi cylinder zinc cover which later on will be covered with sejadah and so on. My little cousin asked everyone, “Kenapa atuk duduk dalam tin?” No one could answer him and he kept asking until his mom took him away to somewhere else. My nenek said to me “Atuk baru cakap dia teringin nak naik kereta dgn kau” I’ve just received my driving license. Can you imagine how I felt at that time? He even planned to get me a car. When he was about to be carried away to the cemetery, I found all my girl cousins crying at a patio that my grandpa had just finished working on. I sat with them and we cried together. I hugged them all, knowing what it felt like to cry alone and without someone hugging you. At that time, I wished things will be normal, that he will come to us, smiling and said "Jangan menangis lagi, atuk kan ada"

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what i've become (sangat emo on december 10,06)

i know what you want.a good girl? a nice girl? a girl who has never been touched by any man? a girl who has never watched porn? an innocent girl?a pretty girl?a girl who listens to everything you says? a girl who compromises herself and standard just for you? what are you? a saint? believe it mister, you're not that and you never will be.i know you, maybe not too well, but i know guys like you. the one who goes around fucking stupid girls and in the end, you want a nice pretty good girl for your future girlfriend/wife.that's not going to happen.bad guys marry bad girls.that's the way it goes.i hope you get what you want cause i know that you will never get it.

i'm happy with my life now.i may not be good.or pious.or innocent.but i know what i'm doing.and i know that i'm not you.or her.and that satisfies me just enough. i'm better now.and i know that too.this is the reality.i've snapped out of my dream long ago.i'm living my reality.and it's perfectly fine to me.because i've seen the truth.

When truth was revealed to me I never doubted it - Holy Quran.

the cats of my life (dec 5 06)

i never use to be a cat lover.when i was a small girl, i was brutally scratched by a cat. that answers my fear of felines.as i grew older,the fear diminished little by little.i officially hold a cat when i was 13 or 14.i pat them on the head before but i never actually hold them in my arms.to cut a long story short,few cats come in my life, making me a slightly different person.i am now a born again cat lover.

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1. This is one of my most beloved cat.her name is Jel.she was frenzy at time, running and jumping around.she loved chocolate and sleeping.i LOVE her.when i was down,she surrendered her body.for the continuos snuggling and patting.she was a good girl, gatal at time and she loved Kojek our ex neighbour.she dashed out of the house whenever she heard Kojek's motorcyle.but now she's gone.if she's still alive,i hope she's doing fine.

Pict5745
2.This white fellow is one of my estranged neighbour's cat.i fell in love at first sight with him. during my discovery of him, the Korean series 'My Girl' was on.I decided to name him Gong Chan, as in the hero in 'My Girl'.Gong Chan the cat is a gangster/ mobster. he controlled his turf (Jalan Bawal 2 17/3b).he's snowy white with an edge.dirty tails and head.very manja at times.i love holding and kissing him.it was divine.he was easily lured and cocky.and that makes him GREAT.

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3. He is the reincarnation of the first cat that i loved in my life ever.Noneng.he resides at my nenek's house but he was never welcome because he likes to 'mark' his territorial with awful smelling urine.The territorials include my pakcik's back( he was menyiang ikan outside when Noneng squirt) and my baju kurung. he got raspy and harsh voice, very macho indeed. he's a tough fella and a womanizer.But lately, he became a manizer as well.nenek said that "Noneng kawin dgn kucing jantan".he's a bisexual.however, he died last week, due to AIDS or STD perhaps.i hope he's in cat heaven having the times of his after-life.i'll miss you.

The next cat is Si Demuk of Fakulti Pendidikan. He's this fat cat lazing around our faculty.I adore him, i love him more than i love my lecturers( except for Dr Burn and Ms Amy).he's horny, fat and manja.he enjoy the company of sleek ladies.he's grateful as well.and he makes me cheerful when i'm at campus.

Last but not least, the greatest cat ever in history, cat that connects me and my bestie, holier than thou, the godfather, the double 0 himself, Macho of Kolej Akasia/Cemara.I miss him the most.He was big, ignorant, cocky and self centered. i met him on 2004.and his whereabout is almost unknown nowadays.but i wish him well and happiness.

That's all my friend, the cats of my life.The list will continue,I'm sure.

as quoted by Albert Schweitzer,
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

"LOSER: Anyone too incompetent to master the ways of the world, or too proud." (10/29/06)

Basically, i'm thinking of one loser right now and as i browse the UltraZord Internet, i found a quotation from The Cynic's Dictionary. Forget about the loser, the tought of him is making me nauseous. So, Raya holiday is coming to an end. My first paper is on the 1st and yikes! i haven't study even a tad bit. Shoot.I'm so not in the mood to study cause my heart feels heavy.heh.a sign of mengada-ngadaness. but i guess everybody feels that way except for-uhm a few people i knew. Anyway, i went to see my friend's baby (the one i mentioned in the previous blog) last night.He is such an angel. A little angel name Khalis Syakir. He is so small and his small head is topped with black hair.He was born on FRIDAY THE 13th. friggin' awesome! i am now an auntie. As i hold him in my arm, i can't hardly believe that he comes out of my friend's womb-a friend that i knew for 6 years approx. Oh, and i can't stand listening to my friend's story in the labor room. The pain and all. I hope i'm strong enough when the time arrives. Takpe2, lama lagi-worry later. Supposedly,i need to worry about my exam right now. *screams*

By the way i can't wait to get deaf at next Saturday's gig! After 'berpuasa' for a month, i deserved an ear shattering weekend. Cheers~~

p/s: wish me luck for my finals!

what am i to you (7/29/2006)

this is me.
then you have to fall in love with the real me.
i can give you everything you need.
but i can't be what i'm not.
and i won't compromise my identity.
i'm expressive.
i may not be soft spoken.i may not be graceful.
and i'm not her.
and i will never be.
cause i don't want to be anybody else but me.
i can change for good.
but what is your good?
good to me is being true and unpretentious.
well,maybe i'll talk a little softer,laugh a little softer
walk a little slower,
get some beauty make over.
but i want you to open your eyes.
and love me.
don't love what you see.
cause eyes can be deceiving.

we'll remember what we choose.

we'll remember what we lose.

experience on courtesy (june 23,2006)

you see,i was in a putra lrt to kl sentral.the train was not packed but there were no seats available. i was standing and holding on to a pole.in front of me,there were four ladies dressed up nicely, all muslim ladies.they sat at the 'disable,for elderly and pregnant' seats. when the train reached kerinchi or bangsar (well,it's been a year and i cant vividly recalled the exact place),came two elderly couple. i'm pretty sure that the old man was about 90 years old or something. come on,his knees were wobbling! he look so frail and old with a cane and all. that old man stood beside me. his wife looked like 60 something.and you know what,all that ladies in front of me,NONE of them make an effort to offer that old man a seat!the old man was trying to stay balance yet all of them buat muka macam pigs. i was making this noises with my jaw and i swear,i squint at all of them real hard.all i wanna do at that time was to shoved my dirty sneakers inside their fucking mouth. the things that irk me the most are they dressed up so decent, with tudung and all and they refuse to gave up their seats!.i tthought that they are full with gracious manners and eastern ladies politeness.and they i swear 3 of em wore long and loosefitting blouses.like a really decent one.i cant bear to be in that situation.feeling totally helpless. and up till now,i regret it for not slapping all that ho's or even reminding them of the existance of the old man next to me.and when the train reached klsentral,a lot of people were rushing in and i took a good look at the old man,trying to balance himself even harder,and i whispered an inaudible sorry and get out of the train.

god,what a coward i was.

upgrade scmhupgrade.

oukay.after a one or two year hiatus,i think i might write again.but i am so damn lazy to the extend i just want to lie in bed all day doing nothing.haha.so i'll start with re-posting my old posts from friendster's blog.not all of it though.some that i think are still relevant to my life now because i was 18/19/20 yo back then and boy wasn't i angry. (due to series of unproductive relationships, not in a reproductive way though,i mean a series of relationship's failure).so gone the angry girl and here i am,21 and kicking.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

on being a TEACHER.part 2.

oh how i despise the getting-up-in-the-morning thingy.i wake up at 6 a.m. daily. arrive at school about 7.15 a.m.i try my best to stay awake by drinking almost sugarless nescafe at the school cafe.

i kinda like school.i enjoy teaching,no doubt about it.the students are okay, except for this one class.the first time i burst in class.they were form 5 class.boys.the boys were on my nerves.it was hot,i've lotsa works to do,they were sitting for their setara exam and making an awful lot of noise.if i had a gun,i'd shot them with no remorse.or if i had a brass knuckle,i'd punch their faces until they can't be recognized.

of course,i just shout at em.and feel like crying.

that's the downside though.i dont know how to be angry without the need of crying.if i'm too angry,i feel like crying.not a good combination tho.

anyhow, other students were great.my classes are great.i'll miss em i know.
i've got 4 weeks left at school.weee.

cuti nak habis! (sambil tahan kencing)

ok.i'll try to type as fast as possible and get all this thoughts outta my head because i really need to pee.

cuti nak habis! yikes! i spend my five weeks hols sleeping,eating,pissing,shitting, playing wif kimi and akim,dating,those long lrt rides from tmn bahagia to tmn melati,catching up with my besties.

and i re-learn how to drive,and finally have the courage to drive.

spent most of my time downloading songs, tv series (during the 5 weeks hols, baru dapat habis tgk antm cycle 10,criminal minds season 3 and desperate housewives season 4), movies.

well, im embracing the end of my sem break optimistically (not!).anyway, i've peed after the first paragraph.in the toilet of course.

this cough is killing me. *cough*

hari menimbulkan kemarahan pengguna jalan raya :D

here's the story.
i have a driving license.a full one.and yet,i'm re-learning how to drive cause i haven't been driving for the past 2 1/2 years.why is that so? go ask my ayah encik othman.

memang aku dah lupa sungguh everything.the gears,the signals,i took 54 seconds to figure out which is the brake,which is the clutch and which one is for minyak.

i can sense the hints of fear in velloo's eyes. (that poor guy is my driving instructor for the day, yes, he's still alive) but at the end of the day that poor guy will be one rich son of a gun since he charged quite a sum of money for an hour session.

so, there i was, on the road, LDP and Federal to be exact and some parts in PJ and Kelana Jaya, polishing my almost non existent driving skill at barely 40km per hour. haha! it's raining heavily anyway and considering the fact that it was the first time i steer a car after a long period of time,i assume that it's a miracle i can still type this entry.well, it couldn't be that bad kot but seriously i think i hate driving.

it's not meant for me.mungkin aku ditakdirkan untuk pandai menjahit ke, memasak ke, beranak pinak ke,mengajar anak2 yatim di Zimbabwe ke, but driving to me, is hard. yay,hit me hit me but i dont know why it is so difficult for me.

now i'm going to celebrate my accomplishment ( no injury be it physical or emotional, just kena 3 kali hon and dua kali mati enjin at traffic light) with lots and lots of chocolate ice cream.

you are the same decaying organic matter as everything else :)

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else." - Tyler Druden

man i like that quote.i think we are all the same.we'll rot to dirt when our time comes. you wont evolve into some kind of Monarch butterfly or turn your bones and flesh into diamonds or amethysts or rose quartzs. you'll become dirt and devoured by worms.and then you'll ask yourself "do i deserve all this?" hell yeah.

anyway, what i really need right now is for Tyler Druden to put a gun at the back of my head and do that thing in Fight Club where he's threatening this guy;the time where he's doing his 'human sacrifice'. i need that kind of extreme shock so that i will know what i am going to do in the future.so that i will voice it out loud,even if i'll tremble in fear or shit my pants.that chinese guy wanted to be a vet.i hope i know what i'm going to be.so that i wont end up dead in another 6 weeks if im not pursuing that dream.

but getting killed by Brad Pitt isnt really that bad dont you think so?

i sometimes think that sex is repulsive.

or revolting.whatever.how could one watch too many porns? it's not that i'm asexual or anything but really,i do have the notion sometimes.sometimes.

oh,i should have so many reasons to NOT be unhappy right now.at least i should be thankful with what i have in my life.do you know why i should not be unhappy?

at least i have a room and i'm not sleeping on a war torn poverty stricken streets or hoodlums.

i still have my parents and family and friends, though i could be a jackass around them sometimes. at least i'm not an orphan taking care of my 6 sick siblings with no one to turn to, no relatives, no helps (yes,i'm quoting from Idol Gives Back, it's heartbreaking you should watch em,it makes you feel small and shitty when you complain about not having enough of things while all those children don't have anybody in the world except for some torn up pictures of their deceased parents)

i have all my limbs,i'm healthy though i have a decreasing vision.and bad bad bad skin condition.

i know where this entry will lead.it will be corny so i might just stop.i think we all should just be grateful.we may have lots of shits to deal with but other people need to deal with shits greater than ours.

because i could not stop for death

Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –
We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed us –
The Dews drew quivering and chill –
For only Gossamer, my Gown –
My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground –
The Roof was scarcely visible –
The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity

by Emily Dickinson

i do utter the word ’fuck’

oukay.if you fail to know me in real life, i don't mind telling you again from the beginning.

my name is Nur Afifah.Just call me Epi or Fifa but never Ifah.
i am 21 this year and my birthday is on February 14.i'm from Kelana Jaya but currently residing in Shah Alam.i'm a B.Ed TESL student of UiTM Shah Alam.i'm in part 6.i'll be graduating in 2009,insyaallah.

i'm a geek seriously but not in a tech manner.i'm clueless about technology, sort of.i love reading.sometimes i choose reading over going out.i read fictions, non fictions, whatever that is not too soppy or corny.

i love music.who doesn't.i listen to pretty much everything except the rave,techno whatever you call it,.can't stand the noise.but metal is not a noise.i'm not labelling myself as a metalhead warrior or anything but i do love the kind of music.and no, i don't listen to them just because my boyfriend listens to them too.i hate that kind of stereotyping.it's degrading.

i listen to oldies too you know.some blues.some Rachmaninoff and Tchaikovsky.and rock kapak.i like sad songs.i'm a sucker for sadness.however, there is one song i particularly despise, sung by Ne Yo.i dont like that kind of songs either.gives me headache.those too tacky RnBs or pops.

but generally i am a happy person.i'm loud.at times obnoxious.i talk a lot, with the people i am close with.i am easily amused.you'll catch me grinning during unnecessary occasions.i smile and laugh easily.

the kind of people that i don't fancy are rude people, snobby well i guess nobody likes that kind of people.we all are made of dirt, and everything that god gave us could be gone in a split second, don't you think so?

i'm trying to embrace life in a positive manner.but hey, im a human and sometimes i curse eveything that is on my way.

and by the way, i am a soft hearted girl.let see,hmm, i cried occasionally watching Bersamamu.my jaw ached from holding back the tears while watching Annie Lennox segment in the Idol Gives Back show. hell yeah, tears welled up in my eyes upon listening to Martina McBride's Concrete Angel. i am particularly soft hearted on any child issue or anything involving the less fortunate ones.

i'm not a picky person.i'm not picky about most of the things in life.but i don't eat beef or mutton.i'm not a vegan cause i eat chicken and seafoods.

i like quotes.random quotes.i do.well, guess i'll just add up later. thanks for reading!

UNhappiness.

you know the feeling.of deep unhappiness.you listen to happy songs.watch lots of funny clips.see the smiles of your child.look at the blue sky and all that shit.and still. you are unhappy.i am unhappy.

my problem is i'm a sucker for sad songs.i even downloaded the 25 saddest songs of all time:depressing music and their lyrics.

i must have been crazy or something.i wonder why it is, each time when you fight life, life always win.no matter what.no matter how hard you swing.

yes i'm quoting songs in this entry.so what.

i dont want to turn into a bitter old lady.my days are supposed to be filled with joy, ecstasy,delirium,all sorts of happiness.

these hormones are raging dude.its driving me crazy.i feel crazy.

i shall stop.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

on being a TEACHER

i'm going to be a teacher soon. (for my practicum)
god.i am so nervous.i really am.i never thought that i could be one.teaching other people's kids.
teaching to me is a noble profession (damn all those people who look down on teaching as a career. it is not easy.at all)
but i don't think i have the nobleness.come on look at me.i'm a goofball and dorky and smile and talk waaaaaay too much.whenever i feel hopeless or bored or annoyed or anything, i retreat to my 'escape' world easily and of course i can't do that if i'm teaching in front of some 30+ teenagers.i cant look dazed or confused.

i'm barely 21.okay la i am 21 this year.i think i'm still young to have the sense of responsibility of a teacher. of course i want to be a good teacher.it's too nervewrecking.or maybe i just dont want to be responsible. i am wreckless in general.i need to be more than what i am right now but i just dont know how to do that.

i dont want to grow up.i want to be young and wreckless forever.


oh i cant wait to finish this year.