Sunday, December 27, 2009

the highlights of my 2009 - the best

some of the best of 2009

1. Buzzcocks - watching them in flesh and blood right before my very own eyes (and touching them in a way you wouldn't imagine as well) it was great, it was surreal, when i'm down, i just have to remember this moment and so far, it never fails to make me smile and grin.i met this great guy as well so it was just perfect.

2. being able to drive - FINALLY.for 22 years and 4 months i have been living with the thought that i can't drive and driving is next to impossible.but no way jose, in June i was finally driving my ass to and from work.my driving-confidence is picking up though i can't back park or parallel park, it's okay.

3. getting a first real job with a paycheck and and i enjoyed my job.i really do.NOT because of the paycheck but i love teaching.

4. i have a love-hate (30 percent love/70 percent hate) relationship with my convocation but i am thankful for it, for getting a degree after all those sweats and bloods and tears and shits.

well i am really grateful for my health throughout 2009, for my family, for my friends- those who share either laughter or tears or both, who are there for me when i need them the most. my life may have not been perfect. i have equal share of joy and pain, everything rolled into one. i would have changed it if i can but i don't want to.

2010, please be kind to everyone.

the uhm, downlights of my 2009 - the worst

top 4 suckiest things

1. the time when i have just finished my studies and was about to work my very first job and i was in a middle of cross road, can't choose what i want but what i got turned out to be great as well (the silver lining ;-). the worse part was the crossroad thing, that particular feeling.i don't want to let myself EXPERIENCE it ever again.

2. some 'technical' or maybe bureaucratic problem regarding my convocation.that pink sash.i am still quite bitter about it.5 years of hard work equal to uhm close to nothing.YOU don't understand how it feels.so don't tell me 'just enjoy the moment'.it was painful.

3. failing a long distance relationship.but truth be told, things have been gradually declining way back before it really ends.this is not the suckiest.i'm sorry.

4. i'm no longer an undergraduate student.god knows how i missed every single moment- when i was a student. it the blink of an eye,it ends.several millions blinks,okay.it kinda suck because i enjoyed being a student.it's easier than facing the real world.student's world is real too, but it's more liberating.indeed,to me.

untuk hari hari yang bakal mendatang

i might have a rough year next year, juggling between everything and every single thing in between, so this is appropriate i think, shall repeat it excessively.


Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


i shall be in charge of my life, whatever happens, there is always a silver lining though sometimes i failed to see em but that does not mean they are not there.here's to 2010.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

unanswered/oblivion


via Postsecret

where do i stand
precisely?
out of the skeletons
in your closet
under your bed
inside your bed

out of the women
that you painted
that you wrote
that you sung
that you consumed
that you devoured
where do i stand,
precisely.

on top of your lungs?
in between your neurons?
inside your left ventricle?
in your colon?
under your tongue?
deep inside your
gut?

or am i not inside you
or outside you
have i vanished?
have i vapor?
into the air you don't breath?

will i find me in standing in you?

November 20,2009. 8.45 p.m.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

when it is no longer a promise but a threat

Ben Franklin said "do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.keep in the sunlight".

i'm not being an overtly pessimist but it's pretty cloudy lately.it's troublesome and worrisome. of course i want to be drenched in the sunlight and experience the sweet delirium of life and the future.

i'm not saying that my future is bleak.i'll be fine.

i thought future is that place filled with promises and hope but day by day i'm starting to see the dark side of it.

it's threatening.with claws reaching behind my back waiting to strike my jugular.

.
via PostSecret



Sunday, December 6, 2009

a conversation with gaiman on a late afternoon

he said

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love"

i said

"that's true mr.gaiman,it eats you out.love takes hostages.well said.but i don't hate love and i never will"

p/s : gaiman as in neil.

Monday, November 30, 2009

december december

it's almost december.

12 months.what have i done in the past almost 12 months.let me seeeeee.hm.

1. i finished my bachelor's degree. (all the thesis, the graduation which i will never forget - not because of the glorious joy- no)
2. got a job.
3. not anymore.
4. will continue my master's degree.
5. fell out of love. (it seems like a curse that my love life always end up after a year)
6. well, maybe that's all, maybe not.

my life is not THAT interesting.i don't hangout with celebrities.or do coke.or have a rockstar boyfriend i end up touring the States with them.no, i have a simple, ordinary life.

which i love, maybe.i don't know.don't ask me now.because right now,i crave....

peace of mind.

ciao bella! (no, not that sparkly vampire's girlfriend)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

for now, i can't see the silver lining.not yet.

my life - it's spiraling downwards.

yes so i sucked at long distance relationship, yeah it's my fault.

the thing that i enjoyed doing, i don't think it's THAT enjoyable anymore.it's just, hard. (no i'm not talking about love, i'm talking about something else)

i just want to shut down shut off what ever it is.

but secretly, i'm praying to God "make it go away,all of 'em".

Saturday, September 5, 2009

loveless.

i haven't been writing for almost a month now.

i don't feel like writing.to me, it's like talking, with different muscle and limbs.i talk every day, every single day, to 26 or 33 people everyday.

but i love my job,i enjoy teaching,i always do.

i'll talk about something else (write). about love perhaps.

i'm 22, i thought i know what love is.never have i realized that there's a lot more to learn about love when you're 22.

the concept of soulmate,lately, i have not been able to grasp the concept clearly because love spells bullshit currently.

i want to feel love,i want to drown in love,i want to breathe love.

but i just can't feel it this time around.

and i have a boyfriend for crying out loud. sigh.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

okay okay okay.

nine days hiatus.i shall be updating about my life, now.

things are pretty much okay i guess. my classes are all okay, except for hmm,i don't think blogging about it would be a good idea but everything is okay,so far.i don't feel stressed out or whatsoever but some small, little things are bothering my mind.

small things,like insects.pests.nuisance.but no, it's not insects that are bothering me yeah.

i think that's it.

okay is good for now, don't you think?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

hole in my heart

there's a hole in my heart in which it simply can't be filled with anything.

nothing.really.

it feels like a mad longing and the emptiness is aching for something.and it's tearing me down.

but this is all temporary i know and i'll get better before i know it.

i'll get used to the emptiness eventually and it will soon diminish.

p/s : it's hard being a girl because once a month, you'll come out with random emotional rambling like the one above. sometimes twice a month or worse, thrice.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

clouds and their silver lining

since everyone is updating their new lives as etc etc in etc etc, i should do the same too.

haha.

i'm teaching three classes. one ESLS class and another two IELTS classes.16 credit hours.
so far, i'm having quite a good time in intec.

really,i'm quite surprised myself.

i believe in this saying 'experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted'. i was being so whiny and whimpy earlier i know, but yeah, things are catching up.

i am contented.

alhamdulillah. :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

selfish list, i miss.

i miss...

1. staying up and sleeping in.

2. i miss watching the people go by outside Cendana when i was inside, listening to counseling lectures, i never was a fan of tesl square since my route was class-home-class-home, but i miss it there.

3. sleeping with my best friend, Shairah Hana (not in a way that you would imagine yea, we have separate mattress)

4. singing rock kapaks during cheap karaoke session

5. taking the train after class so that i could hang out and stay up late some more

6. walking to Cili Merah with Ain

7. most of my friends, their quirks and all

damn i feel nostalgic.

life in shah alam, post study.

i am in shah alam.will be in shah alam, until November i guess.passing by the pak guard, driving, it feels odd.and overwhelming.looking at the students, the juniors laughing as they jog to class, i feel...

this violent whirlwind of envy and jealousy are churning down the pit of my stomach.never have i been so envious of someone in my whole life before.

it's not the same.despite the driving and the staff sticker and the getting-paid-for-it, it's not the same.

i really miss being a student.the liberty.the leisure. (yes even after going through the experience of the tiring AE and bundles of assignments) the liberty is pretty much a liberty, studying is not that hard after all, if you screw up, you just screw yourself up.whereas, in the working world, i dare not say liberty but merely the lack of it.and if you screw up, you're taking a lot of people down the cliff with you.

this is life, i often tell myself.i could have it the other way around but since it's not happening, i should deal it with the way it is.

i'll give my best and hopefully, by the end of the year, i have something to look back and reflect upon, maybe it is not as bad as it seems now.

maybe.as in right now,i'll stick to the nawaitu which is to teach, regardless where i am and who they are.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

kurus dan degupan jantung tidak sekata

aku dah kurus.aku yakin.

ye rakan rakan.terima kasih kepada tekanan hidup dan masalah yang timbul akibat membuat keputusan tidak best dan juga takdir.

kini lemak di pinggul telah berkurangan.cubit cubit tak dapat.maksudnya dah kurang atau hampir tiada lah kan kan.

walau belum official lagi turun berat ke tak (sebab tak pergi timbang kati lagi), aku terasa akan kekurusan dan kekusutan ku ini.

jantung aku juga sejak kebelakangan ini, ritmanya lari tempo.kadang berdegup terlalu laju, kadang berdegup perlahan 20km/j.kadang kadang kosong.kadang kadang penuh kesal.kadang kadang marah.

aku masih muda untuk mati kerana ritma degupan jantung tak sekata dan tekanan hidup self inflicted.

jadi hari esok, aku ingin menjadi positif.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

emotional cockscrew.

it has been one rough week.

and i'm barely breathing (the cough, the flu and all) (no, it's not swine)

i don't know what to say.i crave this silence of the mind.nowadays, my mind never seem to shut up.

i am yet to say that i am happy with my life but things are picking up.

i am learning the art of letting go.


p/s: no, it's not 'letting go' of love. the love department is working well.it's the other departments that are not doing good.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

hating the unhappiness.

i am unhappy.and i'm hating it.

how could a person tolerate such emotions.hatred and unhappiness altogether.it's like arsenic and cyanide, and drinking them raw. to add to that, i feel a pang of regret throbbing underneath my skin.on top of it all, i also feel incompetent, inept as if all the confidence in me has suddenly left for a vacation somewhere in the Arctic territory and the plane they were traveling on, exploded mid air, in the frozen Arctic air.leaving no survivor.

i am holding on to the morsels of confidence left, about 2 milligrams of it.

i am scared, like a child parting with his mother for the very first time.

i always choose to plunge headfirst into a terrible bad mood, experiencing major anxiety and relentless excessive thinking.

i feel like i can't be fixed. these, these stupid thoughts in me, they are going to stay.i don't want them to.

i feel weak, but i keep the game face on every hours and it was getting tiresome.

i still hate driving.i do.i really do.

the unhappiness and the driving, UGH.i drive like a broccoli.if the broccoli were to grow limbs with no brain, they will probably drive better than me.

off topic, referring to the previous post, i don't think i have the rights to blame anyone if i'm not getting what i want.because in the first place, i don't even know what i want.i have no clue.i was an indecisive wreck.

i'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist or a counselor perhaps.or perhaps talk to God more often.

life sans happiness.

they say, hate is a strong word.Toadies sang 'you're the song i hate but i can't let go'.hate is bad.hate kills.hate heals.it's up to you.

i really want to say that i hate my life, but that will only shock the masses (as if they care).
to be fair, i would say that i am unhappy.perhaps deeply unhappy because, if i were to say the reasons, uhm (it occurs to me that the reasons are rather puny; when i typed it down, so instead of listing the reasons, i came up with this sentence).

okay, i'm unhappy because of the decisions i made.have my conscience and instinct gone kaput? is it them or is it me.is it my head or my heart or my guts or the universe, or God? i'm not blaming God of course, as this is God's plan for me.God has plan for everyone i believe.

i only wish for courage and patience and several other virtues.

i'm unhappy because i don't get what i want and things are not going my way.but hey that's life.nobody gets EVERYTHING they want.sometimes, life will sneak up on you and ambushes you during unpredictable times.when your guards are down on the ground.in the gutter.life will knock you down.you may have settled to one thought or decision when things may inevitably make a 360 degree turn.and scared the daylights out of you.

those were the things.the things that made me the terrible mess i was (and still am) these past few days.

somehow, the words that i've typed sound sensible, unlike the thoughts that have been dwelling in my mind,those were not my thoughts when i spent my day sniffing and sobbing and complaining to the boyfriend.

i wish somebody can just shake me and knock some sense into my head.i need to be enlightened. i need to wake up!

(the boyfriend will prolly throw up at the last two sentences due to my constant whining and crying that he saw which were definitely not parallel with the words i said just now : the enlightenment thingamajig.i definitely didn't sound like i wanted to be enlightened. all i ever muttered was "i want to sleep all day")

Thursday, June 25, 2009

emotionally inept.

as in right now, i am definitely not available emotionally.yes.

it was a train wreck followed by some other huge calamities, to the heart.oh at this moment this line is blasting out from my speakers

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

i'm kind of confused with my feeling right now. maybe it's the PMS (oh how i love to blame 'em pms-es), maybe it's the fight, maybe it's the kindness.i don't know.but i have been crying pretty much every night these past few nights.it's so stupid.

but i'm pretty sure that my heart is kind of paralyzed and is playing some mean tricks.

i'm already 22, love shouldn't be a big issue but somehow it is.

for the first time in a very long time, love seems confusing to me.i feel 14 again.

lazy lazy lazy.

i'm so drained and exhausted.

mentally and emotionally, perhaps a bit physically.

to be honest, i wish i can stay home a little longer, a few more months maybe. but apparently, i have a job (alhamdulillah for that). but,hmm,i guess, i'm just plain lazy to venture into the working world.god i should have at least a little passion yeah.

yes, if you ask me, i wouldn't mind staying home doing the same ol' same ol'.

a true lazybum slacker yang tak terbukak hati kot.huuu.

Friday, June 19, 2009

sambungan varjit prem, part 2

disebabkan memori dia memori orang kira-kira, pada suatu hari bekas jiran kami menunjukkan nombor telefon ku.dia tak ada pen, kertas atau henpon time itu.tapi you know, otak matematik i guess.malam tu ada mesej berbunyi 'Salam alaikum,ini Ameer'.

pernah aku datang ke sana dengan seorang teman lelaki. dia duduk depan kami dan berkata 'ini siapa?!'.dengan nada Hitrik Roshan berjumpa Priyanka Chopra berguling guling di padang nan hijau bersama Abishek Bachan.

ada satu malam tu juga, sewaktu aku nak menuju ke kereta, dia confront aku dan berkata
"XXXX (kawan yang menunjukkan number telefon aku tu) cakap awak suka sama saya".

cis.aku berlari lari anak ke kereta kawan ku tanpa menoleh belakang.


fast forward a few months later,aku dan Ira pergi ke sana untuk makan seperti biasa.ada seorang lagi pelayan yang ramah dengan kami menegur kami dengan soalan lazim 'lama x nampak' 'mana pergi' etc2.time tu Ameer tak ada.maka aku pun tanya. 'Eh,mana Ameer?'


'Oh Ameer, dia sudah balik India.dia sudah kahwin.sekarang kerja Dubai, dia kirim salam'

jujur waktu itu, aku terkedu.

Hindustan betul woi!

kisah cinta hampir terlarang a.k.a varjit prem, nehi. part 1

dalam 5 tahun menuntut ilmu di bandar Shah Alam, antara regular past time activity kami pada waktu senggang, ialah makan di kedai mamak.ada satu kedai yang nama nya rasa macam nak rahsiakan yang aku selalu lawati untuk makan cheese nan yang superb dan nasi kandaq yang aku selalu mintak nasi lebih or kuah hitam lebih.

aku ternostalgia satu perkara, di mana tak ramai yang tahu (rasa macam dah hebah pada ramai orang juga) but aku cerita sekali lagi okay.

dekat mamak tu, pelayan pelayannya mesra dan baik sekali.aku lagi selesa dengan mereka dari lalu depan abang abang bersadai atas motor suka swit2.ada satu pelayan ni nama dia Ameer* (hampir nama sebenar dan seperti nama kekasih sekarang tapi bukan kamu ya sayang).macam mana aku tau nama dia, sebab ada name tag disulam pada kemeja diorang.

Ameer ni outstanding.sebab dia paling tinggi.kalau antara lautan orang, pasti akan nampak leher dan kepala berkopiah nya.

kurus, tinggi.well, aku memang murah dengan senyuman jadi selalu lah aku senyum senyum.

bak kata orang dari senyuman jatuh ke hati.well in this case hati dia lah. ha ha.

dia selalu berbual dengan aku (guna bahasa Melayu berslang lah). dia nak bawak aku balik India.dia ada juga cakap kat India dia gengster.dia anak bongsu dari empat adik beradik yang lelaki semuanya.dia ada empat kereta di India.toyota,honda, apa tah lagi aku tak ingat.

bersambung...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

i would like to thank the academy...

i can't believe it.

it's almost unreal.

to the point of - impossible! (that is clearly an exaggeration,my friends)

but i managed to drive on my own today.

no more Ayah telling me to 'brek! brek!' (yes,in THAT tone precisely)

i feel...wonderful.i feel like i can conquer the Great Wall of China or swim the Atlantic!

eh, i don't think anyone had swum the Atlantic before.

jogging ryhmes with ogling

i went jogging with Mak yesterday.perhaps my first jog this year.yeah, i know.i kinda love my sedentary lifestyle.

i used to love jogging (when?) a few years back then.i love the adrenaline rush from running.the blood all pumped out to your veins and you actually feel your heart working instead of just beating silently.

but yesterday, i felt dizzy after completing my laps.my head felt light.maybe because of my almost 2 months lifestyle of staying up all night and sleeping in all day.not forgetting snacking up at 4 a.m and playing games until morning.

anyhoo, there were lots of people at the lake, lots of buffed out men running 3 or more laps non-stop and it got me grinning.boy if they can run like that,i bet they're good in...

soccer.soccer needs lots of energy yeah?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

aku, adik dan Kacip 2

dia memang seorang yang garang dan hati kering.kadang kadang bengis.suka tak layan bila aku suruh dia tengok youtube burung pelican makan merpati. (takut woo).tapi menengok dia ketawa berdekah dekah membaca entry blog tersebut membuatkan aku rasa yang dia still my little brother.

maka disebabkan dia bekerja dan berduit (dari aku), satu hari tu aku sebar propaganda Pipiyapong buat buku nama Kacip.sempat jugak aku tanya dia Kacip tu maksud dia apa. jenuh jugak aku memujuk sebab dia kata dia dah baca semua entry blog tu.aku siap cakap nanti aku bayar kat dia balik.

tapi esok hari, dia suruh check blog sindiket soljah.ada pulak nama dia dekat update list.

hari dapat buku, dia kata 'tak payah la bayar, aku nak buku ni, tapi kau boleh lah baca bila aku tak nak, bila aku nak, kau kena bagi serta merta'.malam tu aku baru baca muka surat ke 4 dia ketuk pintu bilik.cis.

tapi apa apa pun.berjaya jugak sebab aku memang kepingin nak baca tapi tak ada duit.hehe.nasib dia dah kerja and aku sebar propaganda betul betul sebelum gaji dia masuk.kini Kacip dah lebih seminggu dalam bilik aku.

bukan senang woi nak makan duit dia.haha.

aku, adik dan Kacip 1

aku cuma ada seorang adik.sahaja.memang selama ini aku ada dia sebagai kawan sebagai lawan (lawan lagi banyak rasanya).dia cuma muda setahun jadi memang fungsi kami lebih sebagai kawan dan kadang kadang macam dia pulak yang abang (contoh : kau nak pegi gig? jangan ngada2 dowh. jangan kawan dengan mamat XXXX tu, aku kenal dia, dia jahat)

dulu kecik kecik, memang main sama sama punya.dari rounders, tangkap berudu, cuma bila sekarang tinggi dia dah lebih satu kaki dari aku and berat agaknya lebih 20kg dari aku,kami tak se'chummy' sewaktu kecik dulu.lagi pun dia dah kerja bila aku masih lagi terhegeh hegeh nak habiskan degree.


untuk mengeratkan perhubungan adik beradik, kami kadang2 berkongsi cita rasa.muzik, tak sangat, certain2 je.movies, cerita lawan lawan cerita kelakar, kami tengok sama sama. (dulu aku upah dia rm5 supaya dia tengok CD king kong dengan aku, tak semenggah)

suatu hari aku yang gemar bercakap tanpa henti ni cuba memancing hatinya dengan bercerita pasal blog Hilang Punca. pot pet pot pet. satu hari waktu aku di shah alam and sedang berkaraoke lagu Seribu Tahun Takkan Mungkin baik punyaa dia sms. 'kak apa nama blog yang kau cakap tu'.aku tak ada kredit, masuk lagu Semalam Yang Hangat, dia telefon pulak.

the rest is history.

..bersambung...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

puppy love itu patutnya cinta anak anjing.

just so you know, i've been dating boys (of course, i don't date girls) since i was very young.and this is in my journal,very embarrassing but i'll write it down anyhow, you are allowed to laugh.or cry.

29 November 2001,

now, aku terpaksa bersedia utk menghadapi sebarang kemungkinan, kalau dia nak break, anggaplah ia sebagai satu hakikat yg memedihkan. terima sajalah takdir yang ditetapkan Tuhan, afifah.kalau aku bukan untuk dia, nak buat mcm mana,dah orang tak sudi,cuma aku minta agar dia jangan menyesal kelak.aku akan cuba pujuk hati yang lara ini dan ambil ia sebagai pengajaran. kalau dia nak damai or berbaik semula, berbaiklah kami.jangan ulang lagi silap ini okay? tapi aku tak dapat lupakan kepedihan ini.apa yang aku terdaya nak cakap is why all this, why now, why me?

punya lah gatal umur 14 tulis madah putus hati begitu sekali.

perlu bakar rasanya semua itu.

the ghost of a young girl.

this is something from my old journal as i've been re-reading it for these past few days.

11.40 p.m,31st October 2001,

there's a day or moment when i don't know how i feel about life.i was standing cluelessly in front of the bathroom door.i don't know how i feel.i feel. sad for not being a rich man's daughter? happy to be in a middle class working family? sad because i'm not allowed to do things-i'm-not-s'pose-to do- but-i-feel-happy-doing it? angry because i'm in love with a boy who doesn't love me back? confuse, i really don't know.there's a time when i feel empty.sort of like,lonely.misery.i feel blank. i feel like i don't have anyone in this world. there's a time when i feel so happy, so fresh and so alive and there's a time when i feel sad,so down, so low. maybe this is a phase of life.

i was 14.fourteen.and yes, that WAS growing pain, in text form for ya.maybe that is why i was never really a rebel and i never smoke as a teen.

because i wrote it all down.

i know where i'm going.

when i was young, very young, i kept a journal.three.in all those journals, i never failed to write down my ambitions, my childhood and teenhood ambitions. (i made up 'teenhood', can't find its equivalent).

you see, i wanted to be a dentist, kindergarten teacher, teacher, astronaut, paleontologist, writer, lecturer, firefighter, researcher, philosopher, psychologist, fashion designer, song-writer, film maker or a housewife. eversince i was young (according to my journal cause i wrote em down as 'my ambition from young 'till now')

and i feel, hey my childhood dreams do come true.

i was once a high school teacher for three months, i wrote a song for my buddies band when i was 15 and i lost the CD apparently, the band was called Mistral just like the electric fan's brand. i did my academic research for my academic exercise.well, that doesn't make me a researcher but i went through all the trouble you know.

from the look of MY current situation, i think i'm going to be fine.

i know where i'm going and i'll see you there. :)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

out and about.

i went shopping with Mak earlier this afternoon.well, nowhere fancy, the usual Jalan TAR.
due to my current 'situation',of course,going to Kuala Lumpur during a school holiday is an exciting thing.i'm dying to get out of the house and usually i have nowhere to go,yes don't u worry,i DO have friends.its just, we're absent from each other.

haha.

okay.so i was at the lrt station,i love riding the lrt more than driving a car thank you.but i particularly hated it when...

a guy whose nationality i will not disclose stood in front of me, i'm all washed up and puffed and perfumed,and that guy smell like...

you know what i mean, and the odour went straight to my occipital lobe.

i know, its a personal choice,its a free mad world, people don't have to shower if they don't want to, they don't have to wear Rexona or Dashing if they don't want to,it's perfectly fine.

i think next time, i'm going to fill my shirt and jeans with rancid beef and onions and my brother's socks.and see people struggling for breath like i did though i didn't really struggle, it's just,it made me feel like laughing and it's hard trying not to laugh and holding your breath at the same time.

of course i won't be that stupid (beside it's not a clever analogy, having a BO and smothering your skin with foul stuffs - eh, )

the point is,about that guy in the lrt, at the very least...

you don't have to raise both of your armpits high up in the air blocking my air ventilation and sanity!

peace.

on pain

khalil gibran said in his poem 'On Pain'

"much of your pain is self-chosen"

i guess that is true.

and he also mentioned

"and you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields."


who knows that such passing of seasons is so heart breaking.

:(

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

driving depriving.

driving.

sigh.

i think i am capable of the unthinkable, i can soar like an eagle and swim like a shark, but driving...
okay let me rephrase, of course i can't soar or swim (yep, i can't), i am putting driving on the same level of flying and swimming.

ok this doesnt make any sense, swimming is easy,it's just i can't.

and i can drive.but i will piss off every moving vehicles on the road (i can't piss off non-moving vehicles, i don't know how). i drive at a mere 40km/hr and to me, that's like the first half of Fast and Furious.

i am not fond of driving, i cant say i hate it, its just, not my cup of tea.

but tell me my dear friends, who is moronic enough, thinking the cure for the lack of passion for driving IS purchasing a new automatic car (not with my money of course, but i'll be paying for it guess i'm that moron).

sigh.and letting my dad be the co-pilot is not really helpful when Ayah being the Ayah i know for the 22 years of my living days.sigh.he'll repeat the same things "apa yang susah, kan senang, kan senang", not knowing my fear of other fast moving cars.and the highway exit.and roundabouts.

i know i'm an idiot and now i'm going to counsel myself with the REBT techniques.

or maybe psycoanalysis if i have to.

and maybe then, i can drive like there's no tomorrow.

yes, boredom never kills.i hope not.

it has been precisely 32 days since i left shah alam.i've been doing nothing productive really, except for attending series of job interviews but i dont think i've been in a mall for this past 32 days (tesco extra is not a mall, not to me, it's a place where i'll be all giddy and hype over keropok Super Ring) yes my life is THAT pathetic.

i really have no cash left and i can't afford to go anywhere.not even to the Kiosk where i used to work.yes i'm THAT broke. and yes i can ask my parents for a few bucks but they are not buying the tricks anymore because they believe, NO ONE has ever died from excessive boredom.(since my excuse will be 'boring gilaaaa,nak duit nak keluar).

if only i saved some of my allowance during the glorious university year (cheh padahal baru sebulan habis belajar), maybe i won't be this miserable.

since i'm in KJ, my besties here, well there's only one left and she is busy with her works of course (she's in the quantity surveying biz), another one who live one floor below is working in Seremban. sigh.

my misery will end in June cause i'll be working in July insyaallah. by then, you know i'll lament and groan and complaint on how miserable working life is.

i'll find my optimistic chakra back and then everyday, will be a new exciting day.

sort of.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

saturday saturday

oh i feel bad.
i should be at a wedding and at kampung.but earlier this morning my head felt so heavy due to perhaps lack of sleep.i didnt even sleep.so i skipped all offers.and here i am, alone in my house on a lovely Saturday.but i like the solitude.


gah.i think there's a hole in my heart and in my gut.

i dont know what to fill em with.

sigh.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

routine hell yeah.

i've developed a routine.it has only been two weeks but so far this is what i do, daily.

1. woke up at XXXX hours. (you seriously don't want to know when, i'm not a morning person, never was).

2. shower and lunch (not simultaneously you duff) or lunch then shower, either way is fine, depends on my smell.'

3. play with the kids, watch whatever cartoon there is on tv sembilan.

4. online or read some stuffs.

5. dinner and mingle with family (hey its an effort)

6. watch online shows, dvds, YMing with my darling.read.YM.eat.

i usually sleep after Subuh.

i'm so going to gain weight (due to the fact that i eat whatever, whenever i want) and this sedentary lifestyle.gah.my only exercise is walking around the house and my house is small.
but i do some running sometimes.when it's dark and suddenly i remember those pontianak stories from Mastika.i ran from the toilet to my bedroom.it took me about 3 seconds only but hell,i was running.

i'll change this routine next week.you just watch me ok?

aspire perspire

its already May. may day may day.

gosh, time goes by swiftly! i just wish it could have been err swifter? i hope it's December. i just want to fast forward everything.skip to the part of job interviews, getting a job, this and that and this huge selfish part of me,i just want my baby back.by baby i mean my boyfriend.

ok lets not get too delusional.he'll be back no matter what insya allah.i just have to carry on like i've always do, so perfectly (almost) before.

i am officially a penganggur.job less.but it's okay, hey it's okay.it's only been 2 weeks.i can STILL see shitloads of my stuffs that i brought back from Shah Alam (despite the constant unpacking and cleaning and stroring stuffs away).

i'm figuring out my life, one step at a time.i already have the outline, its only a matter of pursuing it but no rush.i just want to pause and enjoy life (or the lack of it since i'm cashless and pretty much lack the 'enjoyment' resources).

but life is a journey.maybe my journey is a little bit slower and mundane but on top of it all, i'm healthy as a horse and happier than ever.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

grrrr

as in right now, i'm writing this entry from a cyber cafe.

it's almost impossible to NOT hate my life right now.but i've got to stay positive, for that positive vibe you know.

i hate to pay for other people mistakes or failure or stupidity.i really do.

but i've got my first job interview tomorrow.i've got to let the sun shines out my ass.

grr.

Friday, May 1, 2009

hari pertama sebagai penganggur

okay now i am home, i have to come up with lines of answers or reasons or excuses on why am i still not looking for a job or HAVE a job.

oh i'm exagerrating.it's only the 1st of May.lek lu sap kok lu.

to be honest, i don't have it in me yet.you know, the burning desire to have a job and work and earn money.i guess everyone is like that kot.we want money.if only i know how to work magic on the guitar.i'll be on my world tour right now.

i hope it'll come to me soon.

but i'm serious about the guitar thingy,haha.

semi official.

i have finished my study.everything.i've relocated from shah alam to kelana jaya.

to sum it up, i've spent a good damn 5 years in shah alam.living in various, well, only 3 places from section 18 to section 17 to section 18 again.

i spent my late teen and early adulthood years here.i began at 17 years old, leaving shah alam at 22 years old.i was a goofy chatterbox then, and i still am now.nothing really change actually and its a good thing.eh, something has changed.i managed to gain 10kg i guess across the span of 5 years.haha.

i'm going to miss this place,well not really the place cause shah alam is a 15-20 minutes drive from home.
i'm going to miss the people,my housemates especially.the things we did together.and my close friends.

i've been sleeping or rooming with the same girl for 4 years.of course i'm going to miss her damn much, but then again, she's less than an hour drive from home as well.

we will move on with our lives.but we will always treasure the moments we've had.

but we are going to be just fine.

really.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

this is not freedom.

i've finished my last paper and submitted my AE last Tuesday.

but why didn't i feel elated or super happy? i am grateful and thankful, Alhamdulillah.

but i don't know.

is this how freedom tastes like?

so far, it doesn't taste THAT sweet.


hmm.

Monday, April 13, 2009

BUSY is a err an adjective?

oh busy gila gila gila.


i'll write after 24th lah kot.

(macam lah ada readers)

haha.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

one of the best

i was listening to Caliban while doing my assignments when this surge of good memories run through my head like crazy.

i have never thought that i would watch them live.ever.not until that day.2nd August 2008.

you know how MCPA hall was never in good ventilation condition but what the hell.what the hell, i was already there and nothing else matters.

for them to perform in a poorly ventilated, hot and wet 'hall', i almost got all sentimental.they are who they are, not some noob from some district (not that i'm berating newcomers or noobies).

and they're Germans.being a Deutsch studentin,i vowed to myself that i must, must at least speak a phrase of Deutsch to any one of them.

its orgasmic, when they finally performed. i think i could die.but i didn't.i survived sore throats. (at this point, Our Burden to Bleed is blasting from the speaker and i'm shivering.haha)

when it all ended, i make way to the drummer as he was standing there and as i was shaking, this came out of my mouth

'helo (hand shake).ich kann Deutsche spreche bitte langsam.ich studiert Deustch in universitat.'

patutlah dia tak faham.sebab salah ayat ayat tu.i was a trainwreck, untung lah aku bolehg bercakap.i forgot all three semesters of lessons i've learned.enschuldigung sie Frau und Herr!
he had this confused look on his face but he continued smiling and i offered 'ein Foto?' and he understood.

and there's Andy Donner.the face that i drooled over in Revolver.and there he was in front of me.my knees were all jelly.and i scooted next to him, trembling (i actually did) and shook or more like held his hands and said I LOVE YOU, like a lover hungered for her long lost man.i think i scared him but we snapped a picture anyway. i wasn't in the scene, wasn't in a band, was not friends with the organizer, i was just a fan.and a girl.




this was one of the best day of my life.it still is.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

guerilla lah sangat.

okay i should be in my room, writing pages after pages of chapter 5 or pages after pages of essay or pages after pages of reflective journal.

but no, here i am in my living room.in front of the television.

i told my darling, as he went off to the mall.

'balik ni nak makan nasik and buat keje ala guerilla'.

guess what.

guerilla tengok reruns ANTM 8 dulu.

p/s : ive rewatched the reruns for like 5 times already.this is self destructive behavior ladies and gentlemen.i shall drink my redbull and head off to work.
'

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

of shopaholic and life events.

i went to watch shopaholic earlier this evening.
it was fun and i realized that i was never a shopaholic.

shopping rarely makes me happy.maybe because i'm always broke.but as a girl i should love shopping.kot? but i don't make it a priority.i can live without new clothes or shoes every month. i think i can.yey.

i have tons and tons and tons of assignments to finish.its a race against time.


i want to win.

three little birds

bak kata bob marley

Dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.

i would love to declare that when i am sad, i tend to listen to sad songs just to get the mood running you know.that's not a wise thing to do.

when you're sad, you don't have to listen to Dylan's The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll. you will be lead to believe that you are Hattie Carroll and whoever's hurting you is William Zanzinger.it's unfair.

and listening to Marketa Irglova's song won't help either. especially at the part 'when the distance causes only silence'.or the part 'to be the better one to satisfy you,for you're everything to me'.

and don't listen to Landing In London.cause.just because.it makes you sad and confused.

i have mentioned earlier that i am a sucker for sad songs.happiness is a feeling.sadness is a feeling.i embraced both.

this is off topic but i'll quote it here;

"All the same," said the Scarecrow, "I shall ask for brains instead of a heart; for a fool would not know what to do with a heart if he had one."

"I shall take the heart," returned the Tin Woodman; "for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world."

- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Monday, March 30, 2009

of love and pain.

life is not always a bed of roses yeah.sometimes it's just a pile of shit, one after another.piles after piles.

but shit can be wash away.it can.

it's fair enough.sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're not.you can't be happy ALL the times. what is life then if you've never experience pain?

a little pain is good sometimes.i have always believe in the saying 'which don't kill you will only make you stronger'.i do.

here is another of my favorite from Jim Morisson.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.


love and pain and hope and anger and numbness.
i want to feel it all.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

soulmates never die








one of my favorite love songs yaw

Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide.
I'll take it by your side.
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide.
I'll take it by your side.
Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies.
I'll take it by your side.
Oversaturation curls the skin and tans the hide.
I'll take it by your side.

tick - tock [x3]
tick - tick - tick - tick - tick - tock

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen,
I seem to lose the power of speech,
Your slipping slowly from my reach.
You grow me like an evergreen,
You never see the lonely me at all

I...
Take the plan, spin it sideways.
I...
Fall.
Without you, I'm Nothing.
Without you, I'm nothing.
Without you, I'm nothing.
Take the plan, spin it sideways.
Without you, I'm nothing at all.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the laughter, butchered


Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

verse 2

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword

verse 4

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy (girl) who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die


originally by Pablo Neruda.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

benda benda disukai

1. aku suka senyum pada kucing.macam senyum pada manusia dimana aku hanya or selalu senyum pada manusia perempuan, tapi aku senyum juga walau pada kucing jantan.it's a good thing they never smiled at me back.ye lah kalau tidak mesti mak aku dah hantar dekat tanjung rambutan sebab mengaku ada kucing jantan balas senyuman ku.ee comelnya.

2. aku suka membaca.kotak cereal pun kalau boleh nak baca.lagi lagi suratkhabar balut nasi lemak or balut sayur beli kat pasar tani.time nak makan or nak siang sayur tu lah baru nak baca.selalunya berita atas suratkhabar macam tu yang paling interesting.

3. aku suka bila budak budak suruh aku buat sesuatu.tolong lukiskan gambar princess bergaun lawa,tolong ikatkan riben, buat aku rasa macam fairy.ha ha.

4. aku suka cuaca panas di siang hari.walau kadang termerungut.tapi aku prefer hari panas dari hari hujan.sebab kalau hujan lagi lagi kelas pagi,mesti aku tak mahu pergi kelas.tapi kalau boleh malam tu biar hujan walau kadang aku sakit sakit sendi.oh manusia, tamak dan tak bersyukur.

5. aku suka bila boyfriend jadi super sweet.sebab lepas tu mesti tak kisah sangat kalau kucing tak senyum kat aku ke,suratkhabar nasi lemak kena sambal ke,budak komplen rupa princess macam maimon talib ke (ampun) or eh yang last tu aku tak boleh tipu.

sweet mana boyfriend pun aku tak suka pergi kelas hujan hujan.

Monday, March 23, 2009

benda benda dibenci

1. aku benci bila aku tak cukup tidur lepas tu terjaga pada pukul 11 pagi sebab ada construction more specifically bunyi orang menukang.aku marah.tapi aku lagi marah sebab aku tahu aku tak patut dan tak boleh marah.pukul 11 pagi bukan waktu tidur.tapi aku berhak marah sebab aku tidur pukul 6.30 pagi.siapa suruh.

2. aku benci bila aku tak rajin nak buat kerja, tapi tengok Criminal Minds 6 episod one go boleh pulak.kenapa syaitan dalam diri bukan syaitan workaholic.

3. aku benci tengok orang beli pen 2 batang lepas tu mintak plastik.

4. aku benci orang tak pam tandas awam bila pam tu sebenarnya berfungsi.

5. aku benci untuk membenci.jadi aku patut rasa terhibur kerana pertukangan yang disebut tadi telah berlanjutan dari pukul 11 pagi ke 4 petang ni.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

kungfu meriam bunuh kilat syaitan

i was at my maksu house last friday.i love visiting her because there will always be goodies.haha.
be it perfume, cosmetics, money, chocolates.i think she loved me.i got two kain batik for baju kurung and a Yeslam perfume.i think i've funded Taliban (Yeslam is a product under Osama bin Laden's brother i guess), but its free anyway.my grandma was there as well, i missed her.

and then i played badminton with my cousin Farhan.

and i lose miserably.he is eleven.

when i asked him 'dah besar nak jadi apa'.he said 'nak jadi macam Lee Chong Wei'.

patutlah aku kalah.hm.

i surrendered gracefully and manja manja with my grandma and i picked up a Dragon Ball comic.
terasa rindu yang sangat.i think i have tears in my eyes while i was reading the comic.

when i was small, i was an early reader, by the age of 3 or 4.my brother is the polar opposite.so mom got him Dragon Ball comics every month so that he would read faster.but i ended up reading it to him. and looking back at the languages, no wonder why my brother is still a moron.haha.

Pikor is quite young in that episode and he was dubbed Pikor Remaja Syaitan.and there was a part when Cici was looking at Goku and said 'tidak sangka dulu Goku kecil, sekarang sudah besar ibarat sebuah gunung'.that got me laughing.

and when Goku brought Gohan to Cikgu Muten house for the first time and a voice said 'Eh Goku sudah jadi Mak Inang'.

i missed my Dragonball comics.there's not even one left.you can mail all 43 episodes to me.i'll love you forever.

by the way, even Goku died of heart attack. Pahlawan Saiya Planet Bezita yang dulu bernama Kakaroct.apatah lagi kita yang homo sapiens negeri Selangor ni (aku lah).

kena banyak crank dat spiderman/batman/yank ni.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

and pose like dem name Chuck Norris


kau mesti tak cool sebab kau tak pernah dengar lagu ni

life is a roller coaster, no, life is a nagging obese husband

woohoo i'm not being a sexist.don't take everything seriously yeah,i can't please everyone.haha.

technically, we have 3 weeks left.three weeks.drei Wochen.trois semaines.tre settimane.trĂªs semanas.tiga minggu.anyhoos, i'm feeling optimistic.this is all i got to do

1. CIE paperwork
2. CIE portfolio
3. PDs presentation
4. PDs pairwork review ke hapa tah
5. Family Counseling presentation
6. Ethics in Counseling interview/presentation
7. CALL website
8. PD seminar
9. Academic Excercise

how in the world, will i have enough energy and mindpower to complete all those, including a few more tests,for your information.

life is a stingy domineering husband who always say no, but you loved him anyway.
cause if you have no love for life, you're probably dead aren't you.

God helps us all.did i say in the previous entry,it would be the last one i'll mention about Watchmen, well,it's a lie.definitely.

;)

no, it's not confusion

well, there's one post about shit and stuffs, the following post is about doa to cure laziness.

either i'm being a chronic indecisive person or i'm being, well, me.

i am only human, just like you, no better, no less than you.yes you.

God helps us all.okay okay it's from Watchmen, last last.May success be ours.

:)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

why, it's a question, not an answer

yes.oh how i would love to know all the answers to all the whys in the world.

but why are we lazy? why do we procrastinate? the world would be such a better place to live in if we are not lazy or perhaps if we are kinder, gentler, more compassionate, full of perseverance, not a psychopath oh as a human, we are nothing but flawed.

laziness or sloth is one of the deadly sins (in christianity lah kan), but procrastinating, stealing time, in Islam,holds no different meaning.Kasl or laziness or procrastination is a disease (muslimbychoice.blogspot). the causes are rooted in the heart, so they say.its true indeed. because being lazy doesn't require energy or endless amount in front of textbooks, assignments, ae.it's a learned habit.no one is born lazy.everyone has an equal chance.

so here's a doa to combat laziness.

O Allah, I seek refuge in You from helplessness, sloth, cowardice, niggardliness, and burden of debts and domineering men.
There is no god but Allah, the Glorious and Clement; there is no god but Allah, Lord of the Great Throne; there is no god but Allah, Lord of the heavens and earth and the Noble Throne.

Amin.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

full of shit

when you turn solidarity into shit
and the shit that comes from your mouth
and seeps from the pores of
your skin
not knowing
when you turn chipper into shit
and your laughter rings nothing
but shit

and you turn guileless into shit
and those shits
you cover in the stench of fragrance
and it will mix with your shit
soon the world
will whiff
as it reeks out of you

shit


Epifah Othman, 2013, March 17

Monday, March 16, 2009

dah besar jangan shuffle depan rumah orang ye, nak

aiman hakim, waktu masih comel dan tak liar

malam semalam, waktu tengah sedap melayan cerita Merlin di tv3, aku terdengar lagu Pitbull yang annoying tu.gaya macam ada rave party but wait a minute, aku dekat rumah ni.dekat rumah flat pkns.ada suara orang orang berborak.makin lama makin annoying.borak kuat kuat je sudah lah, perlu ke buka muzik kuat kuat?

untuk mengelakkan kemusykilan dan sumpah seranah yang berpanjangan, aku pun pergi jenguk ke bawah.sah.ada sekumpulan anak muda remaja sedang bershuffle. "kau tengok kaki aku, macam ni, macam ni" (sambil menari). ewah ewah, ada sesi tutorial pulak.

aku berdoa dengan kuat agar bakal anak anak aku tidak akan terhingin melakukan perkara sedemikian rupa.moga mereka lebih hingin membaca ensiklopedia atau pun bermain Wii,tapi games yang berunsurkan kesihatan.

ada 24 blok flat dekat sini, depan blok aku juga kau mahu bershuffle.haish.

oh by the way, the baby in the picture is Aiman Hakim.he was such a darling then.but now he's so nakal and active.kids grow up so fast.he'll be in school before i realize it.

ibu, bapa dan monyet


di suatu hari yang hening, di Bukit Melawati, Kuala Selangor.dua tahun lalu.

bapa saya seorang yang garang dan kurang suka senyum lebih lebih lagi dengan strangers. kira kalau dia senyum kat kau, ada potensi jadi menantu dia.

jadi dia senyum dengan monyet itu.bukan main mesra lagi.aku jadi risau.

mana tahu dia tak kasi kahwin and suruh bela monyet ke.hm.

edisi kekeluargaan

Syerina (Anje) and Irah

Anje and Ipah
Anje

my cousins, in my hometown Kg.Bukit Kuching Tengah, Jeram.i miss them!

nostalgia norma






so my AE supervisor is Dr.Normah.
and this is one of my old time favorite from Norma Jean. Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste yaw. :P

ok ok, tak habis lagi

i love the quotes in Watchmen.kesian si boyfriend dia hari hari sejak dulu dengar my rantings about Watchmen. Watchmen this, Watchmen that.haha.

here are some of my favorites.

Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci." - Rorschach

“The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.” - Einstein (in one of the comic's episode)

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster.and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhem Nietzsche

A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned? - Jon Osterman

We're all puppets, Laurie. I'm just a puppet who can see the strings - Jon

If reading this now, whether I am alive or dead, you will know truth. Whatever precise nature of this conspiracy, Adrian Veidt responsible. Have done best to make this legible. Believe it paints disturbing picture. Appreciate your recent support and hope world survives long enough for this to reach you, but tanks are in East Berlin, and writing is on wall - Rorschach

as far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being - C.G Jung

okay from this point on, no more Watchmen topic. :P

Sunday, March 15, 2009

kurus dan watchmen (spoilers ahead)

oh i went to watch Watchmen earlier this morning.but i wish there were more.i love the comic.here are what i wish would be in the movie.these are just opinions ok.

1. Laurie should have more hate in her.i mean, well she hated Blake, and Rorschach (in the comic).she had this hate thingy going on. it doesnt really show, in the movie.

2. The guy working at the newspaper vendor, he was never mentioned in the movie. except for the explosion part where he and Bernie (his name is Bernie juga) hugged each other.

3. I know it sounds silly but i like the grafitti on the wall, the two lovers and a nuclear tu.well, tak ada pulak in the movie.

4. Rorschach didnt just slay open that pedophile murderer's head in the comic, but he handcuffed ke ikat that guy's hand and give him a mini saw and asked him to freed himself.and then he burned the house down.i prefer that one.

5. the doctor who assessed Rorschach, i think he deserved a highlight jugak tapi kang panjang sangat pulak movie.in the comic, there's a story about him jugak sikit.

6. the death of Hollis Mason.tiada langsung.patut ada.

7. part Jon (Dr.Manhattan) cakap pasal why he liked Blake, i think it's important, you know the part where he said back in the Nam, Blake perfectly understand what's going on etc etc.

8. ohhh.part springing up Rorschach tu. berbalik kepada Laurie, dia kan tak suka and dia cepat nak agree pula.and kurang impact scene waktu dia deal with the inmates who threaten him tu.the fat guy didnt get his hands sawed off actually.the scene should stick to the original i guess. Rorschach didnt left the prison with his mask on, he went to pick it up his gears dulu at the hiding place.oh i dont like this scene lah in the movie.it should have been way greater.

9. back to Laurie, hmm. didnt her mother forced her to be an adventurer?.and how she hated it and all.not enough hate in the movie.redundant point.aha.

10. how Rorschach got his mask.dude, it should be shown in the movie.

11. Veidt's antarctic retreat.i think it should stick to the original.with the CGI and all, it shouldnt be that hard to create the dome.and Bubastis is blue.i wish she was red.and how Veidt became who he is, it should be explore in depth.eceh.

12. pasal Dan.police kan patutnya look after him once they knew he is Nite Owl and still hop around town in Archie. well, tiada juga in the movie.and how the police came to his house and asked things. tiada.

13. Veidt should have shouted 'I did it' and We did it' during the ending.and then Dr.Manhattan finally said 'Nothing ever ends' and Veidt terpinga-pinga.well, tiada juga in the movie.i think its important.

14. the action scenes, most of them, are quite cheesy with the slow motion thingy going on. it worked for '300' but have to say, its not really working for Watchmen.

15. i would prefer to watch Laurie and Dan making out in the end rather than Dan mourning for the death of Rorschach.i like the part where Laurie said to Dan, well mcm ni 'i want you to love me because we're not dead'. dia kan macam terkejut sebab what happen in New York tu.

ada lagi but dah malas pula.the time limit lah agaknya that set the movie the way it is.but i have to say, the ending is quite okay.instead of alien thingy, they blamed dr.manhattan for the explosion.make sense lah kan.oh and the last part, the one dekat newspaper company tu.Seymour should be more 'loser' and the boss should be more 'garang' and oppressive like the original.it should be introduced earlier instead during the very last scene.but it was good nevertheless.

the portrayal of Rorschach is the most profound of all the characters.its quite true to the original.and Laurie's portrayal is the worse, Sally's portrayal is way better.Dr.Manhattan's portrayal is quite weak as well.

anyhow,i love the soundtrack.the early part je sudah kedengaran suara Dylan and i was excited like a child in a toy store. hell yeah.

a very good try anyway.and i enjoyed it, not as much as reading the comic but yes, its still good.kudos to Zack Snyder.there are still lots of elements which are true to the original. *clap clap*

p/s : these are just opinions ok?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

oh marketa irglova




oh, this is one of my favorite songs from the movie Once.haven't watch it yet but i know i'll love it. another favorite is Falling Slowly.here are the lyrics to If You Want Me

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
When you know I really tried
To be a better one to satisfy you for you're everything to me
And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

p/s : lagu ini tiada kena mengena dengan keadaan hidup ku sekarang.sekadar suka sebab sedap je.ha ha.

i bruise easily.

what a statement.

but lately, i've been getting cuts and bruises from all sorts of mini accidents due to excitement and uhm, clumsiness.

last night,i hit my left hand on the door frame.it hurts.i think i've fractured it.well i think i'm exaggerating.

i think, this time, my physique acted in accordance with my emotion.

i bruise easily lately.

rasa macam perempuan.heh.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

when the old is getting older.

there is this one particular pakcik i noticed in section 17.

he looks a lot like my late atuk.i saw him in 2004 i guess.and he's still here.but older.i always caught a glimpse of him while i was in the car.

a few days ago i saw him again.with his shirt and kopiah.but he looked wayyyy older.

i hate watching old people grow older.like my grandma.

one day while i was at my hometown and i was about to head back to Kelana Jaya, i kissed my grandma goodbye and i looked at her.her eyes were tired, her smile seemed distant.her graying hair.i suddenly noticed all the wrinkles all the creases.she looked old.and i hated it.

i remember crying and choking while i was telling this to Ain.

in my perfect utopia, people never grow old and die.
people never leave you.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

like a needle needs a vein





oh i just LOVE this song.i want to be like them.he can be Faith Hill.i want to be the cowboy McGraw.

Like a needle needs a vein
Like my uncle Joe in Oklahoma needs the rain
I need you
Like a lighthouse needs a coast
Like the father and the son need the Holy Ghost
I need you, OOH I need you


you know you can see the love in their eyes.oh i want to feel the passion.i'm getting cheesier by the hour.i don't careeee.

marching to the gates of hell

oh it's already March.yipeeee.

oh no.March is the month of madness because i have piles and piles and pilessssss of works to do.

and then come April, final exam.for final semester.have to submit my AE.oh damn, AE.i'll distribute the questionnaire next week.i promise.

and then come May.insyaallah,i'll finish my study by then.and i'll go for a trip somewhere.

and then come June, jobless June and July.

perhaps i'll figure it out by August. i'll get a job and i'll further my study.

come September, it's Aidilfiti, come October, November, December.

perhaps i'll have some money.i'll save some money.

and in 2010, my baby will be here with me.

yahuuuu.

Friday, February 27, 2009

la tahzan.

God is great,you know.

yesterday, i spent my minutes worrying.and then there's a phone call from his bestfriend saying that he has arrived and he can't get through me.

i puked my choki choki and sour tape.

and then i changed a few settings on the phone and ta-da, a whole lot of numbers blinking on my screen and i picked it up.he was trying though.

my baby's doing fine.listening to him makes me think that he's not in some country 10 520 km apart, it makes me feel like he's right there in Cheras.

i would like to think it that way.like the Iranian speaker during the Cairex said, if you can't think of positive thoughts, stay away from negative thoughts.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

langit dan saya.

our first sunset together

for these past two days, i think i have the same feeling with the sky. hari mendung dan gelap dan hujan sahaja.macam hati ku ini.

it has been more than 12 hours since i last hear from him.16 hours to be precise.

semalam, when i first got online, i went to the Yahoo page.the first news that i saw was that Turkish Airline plane crash at Amsterdam or something.

i went to sleep on 10.30 p.m that night.staying up late will only make me go crazy.

today when i got back from class, i saw his post on the poem that he was telling me about.he posted in on 1200 a.m.he told me earlier that i can only read that poem on midnight.

i'm so sad.

but sad is better than lonely.i'm not lonely because i know he's always here with me.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

wajah kesayangan hamba.


i'll always be waiting for you.balik cepat cepat nanti.

Monday, February 23, 2009

gila tahap tak gila.

i've finished most of my assignments.he has only less than 48 hours to be here.
in the pinnacle of information and technology, distance should not mean a thing.you just need to
cope with the time differences, that's all.

that's all.

that's all.

i feel like someone has stab a wooden stake right through my heart.

except i'm not a vampire.i'm a girl whose the love of her life is leaving on a jet plane.sigh.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

tears for fears.

current playlist

1. Leaving On A Jet Plane by Chantal Kreviazuk
2. Right Here by Staind
3. Everything's Gonna Be Alright by Sweetbox
4. Little Girl Blue by Janis Joplin
5. Right Here Waiting. by Richard Marx
6. Next Year by Foo Fighters

and i still cry like a wussie.hey,i'm a girl.

i would love to imagine the Armageddon situation, the part when A.J Frost sang song number #1 on my list to Grace.except my boyfriend is not an astronaut, and no he won't be facing any deadly outerspace tragedy (I hope so) and minus the fact that i don't have that pair of Liv Tyler's legs and my daddy ain't Bruce Willis.

three days left and i'm scared.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

pergi tapi kembali.

yes i am a fan of one tree hill (earlier seasons,when they were still in high school).and this picture my dear friends,describes the feeling that i have right now.

face it,people always leave.

but some will eventually come back.

and we'll destroy that traffic light.and we will be together till death do us apart.cheesy i know, but that's all i'm hoping for.

Friday, February 20, 2009

i wasn't prepared for these.

what a perfect timing to listen to Eisley.the sweet melody hits me straight to the heart, face, ass, neurons, every where.

i wasn't prepared for this.aaaa aaa aaaaa.

tell me about it.

he's leaving pretty soon and i'm not sure how to cope though i know i CAN and WILL and i WANT to cope,it occurs to me that i have shitloads of stuffs to do, and where to begin, i don't know.it's one after another.but hey i've made a vow earlier.hard stuffs in life won't get me.
growl.even if they do, i won't break down.hey it's life, you can't possibly have EVERYTHING you wished for.

so he's leaving on a jet plane to a country 10 520 kilometres away and i won't be seeing him 'real live' for a year, so i'm in my final semester with fckloads of stuffs to do and to think about,but i believe my friend, there is a grand miracle out of this garbage pile of situation.i'll wait.what ever God has planned for me, as a humble and disdainful servant, i'll accept everything.


(maybe i'm exaggerating because the progress of my works is so far, okay, not excellent or marvelous or back breaking, i seem to be procastinating just fine, ha ha).

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

ain't complaining.

it's getting hotter and hotter by the minutes.maybe i'm exagerrating, by the hours i presume.

suddenly i remembered all those movies and articles i read on global warming, how the world is 'spiky' and how Californians preserve their forest but deforest other forests (you can replace deforest with other choices of vocab). It's a McGraw hill book on world issues, you should give it a read.i borrowed it from my beloved library.man i love libraries.i love the library more than i love some of my friends (the distant one i guess), the one that i can do without.

I wonder how people can call global worming a political scheme or phony. You're feeling the heat don't you? How can this heat and sweat and irritation be phony? How can gas emissions and melting icebergs and natural disasters be phony? I just don't understand how it can be phony.

Sure they hate to agree with Al Gore because he's a politician and all but he's not the only one. Of course he's not the only one claiming global warming exists. Because he's a politician and the fact that the world is heating up makes global warming unreal?

Fine if you're saying the media is scaring us, but really, can't you see? I mean really really see what's going on around you. Is this really just a cycle of the earth?. Don't you think that all things will get old and deteriorate. Just like your knees and your tendons and everything else in your body.How can things stay mortal.

If it is fake, then why is it not the same like before.Maybe it's fake after all, maybe the earth is going through some phase, some growing pains or maybe the earth is lying, false alarm, the earth that cry 'WOLF!' but the world will end someday you know. You have to believe in Doomsday.and surely God will warn us beforehand, take the 'comfort' little by little, don't you think? God is merciful enough to that, God won't just take things abruptly.

To say that it's entirely fake would be, condescending.

Don't you think?

P/S : anyhow, you can always do your own reading in this topic.i'm not forcing you to agree with me. peace. :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

bahagia melankolia.

i feel happy. and pure. for once, i want it to be simple. i want us to be happy. and we are.

things happen for a reason.every single one of it.it happens for a very specific reason and you will learn, from the joy or the mishap it brings, you will.

it's crazy to feel elated and on top while feeling like you're aching and longing for something, for someone.

all the sentences above don't correlate with each other, i know.

peace.

Monday, February 16, 2009

panas panas.

hari yang amat panas.personally, aku lagi suka hari panas dari hari hujan. sekurang kurang nya kering juga kain baju yang berlambak lambak tu.kalau badan yang panas duduk saja lah depan kipas.tak pun mandi banyak banyak kali.kalau hati panas?

kita pergi makan cendol. alah RM 1.30 saja pun.

kalau panas lagi?

pergi lah karaoke dekat karaoke jamban tu.nyanyi lagu lagu tak semenggah seround dua, sejuk lah tu nanti.

tak sejuk jugak, pergi lah main game k.o.f. token baru seringgit.tapi hari ni panas betul sampai silau dalam arked tu.kalah pulak.selalu ranking hampir number dua.tak tipu punya.aku memang terer.tapi lupa pulak tak lunch lagi.lapar + silau.memang lah kalah.

biasalah hidup,kadang kadang panas, kadang kadang sejuk.asyik panas je nanti kemarau.asyik hujan je banjir pulak.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

danke schon!

i've a blast yesterday.it was perfect.i received a fair amount of wishes through texts and emails, met my parents, were surrounded with my close friends and loved one.

i can't wait for my next birthday.if getting older made me this happy, then i'd choose to be older and happier than younger and not knowing how it feels like.

thank you to everyone!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

happy birthday sweet love.

enough with the birthday already.but hey it's my birthday.i can do what i want, where i want, how i want and with whoever i want. no,i'm not talking about sex.chastity belt, people.

thank you to those who wished me, and thanks to those who are about to wish.this is the birthday that i wished for when i was blowing my candles.it couldn't been better.

i am thankful for being alive and on top.

happy 22th birthday epifah.

Friday, February 13, 2009

public service announcement.

i'll be turning 22 tomorrow.yes it's the 14 February.

but i woke up with minor sore throat and mild runny nose.oh maybe because it's noon.

what are my expectations yeh?

hmm.i just want to be around the people i loved and those who loved me.that's not too much to ask for kan.

:)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

the hunger and the mountains.

i was watching one of my fav shows and i came across this song.well, this very part of the lyric.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger

i'm pretty sure she's not singing about that hunger for foods.but i like that part, remind me of my own hunger.and its not about food either.i'll always keep it. :)

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking

this,i'll tell my self over and over again.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

lemau.

i'm so damn sleepy.i hate wednesday morning.

actually,i'm not a morning person.yes i don't have any problems performing my Subuh prayer cough cough. but i despise waking up so early in the morning,especially when you have something to do e.g classes, works, etc etc.i don't know how I survived my practicum months.i have to say,i'm very proud of myself.

being a grown up, you have to wake up early, when you have a job later on.obviously.unless you're working night shifts.i guess i've had enough of staying up late and sleeping in till noon.

sheesh.this is making me unhappy.

maturity is forever and he's extending his iron claws.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

hasil pembelajaran hari ini.

i woke up with sore and bruises on my body.but it's okay.i've read through some stuffs for tomorrow's test but to remain focus is, well it's almost impossible.i was reading through the marriage chapter and these really caught my eyes.

The new-couple relationship begins with courtship, the period when individuals test their compatibility with others through dating.

Generally, individuals tend to be most comfortable with others who are at the same or similar developmental level (Stanrock,2000). That is one reason why relationships between dissimilar people rarely last. Environmental, psychological and situational factors can also hinder people's adjustment to marriage (see Figure 1.2)

(of course i wouldn't type Figure 1.2 though the contents are interesting, you can borrow my Gladding after i finish my test tomorrow noon)

mari berangan seround dua dulu and then i'll proceed with my reading!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

it's not meant to be

yes i could read,i think i'm a pretty good reader.

but one thing for sure, i'm a pretty bad singer.i love singing.who doesn't.
maybe not my ayah.or my neighbor downstairs, but boy i love to sing.

i can sing out of tune, however you despised it,i can sing it like that.oh, impersonating Jonas Brothers nasally teen voice is my passion e.g When You Look Me in The Eyes.the kids back home will close their ears and run away in terror when i start belting out Kappa Mickey's theme.

if i can sing, i'll be a pretty good singer.but singing and me, we're not meant to be.

but hell yeah, i'll stick with singing off key. ;)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

conquistadores




one of my favorites yaw.sick drum!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

perkara yang sering dimonolog

sejak kebelakangan, ada beberapa perkataan yang asyik terpacul dengan automatik nya. separuh ada yang didengar orang, separuh lagi cakap sorang- sorang je.


perkataan 1 : foo fighters.

perkataan 2 : foo fighters.

perkataan 3 : foo fighters.

perkataan 4 : birthday aku.

perkataan 5 : united kingdom.

perkataan 6 : rasa emo lah weh.

perkataan 7 : eh mana jauh lah.

dem.

why do jetplanes exist?

it's funny when nothing seems funny.the situation i am in, god i want to laugh out loud and i did.but it's not funny.and the laughter sounds, sounds odd and at times hurtful.at least to my ears.

laughing a hurtful laughter.i must have been out of my mind.i was and still am.


it's funny when you almost always get what you want and what you need until, until they go somewhere.

you can take my needs and willpower to live.fuck the geography you know.my heart is a wonderful place to be in and there, my needs and willpower will stay forever and no one can take it away.

not anymore.

dear god, please don't take it away.with all my sincerity as your humble and low servant, please keep it here in my heart always.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

mantra of the year

A change in the weather is known to be extreme
But what's the sense of changing horses in midstream?
I'm going out of my mind, oh, oh,
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew to my heart
Ever since we've been apart

-Bob Dylan, 'You're A Big Girl Now', one of my personal favorites.

and hey of course i'm a big girl now,i'm turning 22 yaw.that's 86 in cat years.if i'm a cat,i'll laze around with rheumatoid athritis. lucky i'm a girl.

Monday, February 2, 2009

OH DAVE GROHL.

you should have known my obsession towards Dave Grohl (among many other things).


to be able to watch him sing and perform live, damn i feel like termuntah and pengsan already, just at the thoughts of it.double damn.


you can't stop me.


oh there's only one person who can stop me but i know he won't do it.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

to those who are about to judge.

we are all judgmental being to some extent, yet our judgmental-ness differs from each other due to the degree or perhaps the situation.it would be a lie to say that i am not a judgmental person.well, let say if there is this guy who goes around fucking different women or impregnated them,of course i will say he's one fucking bastard.won't you? will there be any good reason why he did all those things?maybe you didn't say it out loud but yes you'll judge.judging silently won't do any harm.
judging blindly and blatantly, now that my friend,is a different story.

well,try to not give a damn.yes so he goes around fucking women,what has it got to do with you? unless he's fucking your sister or your best friends.then you should give a damn.

it will be a waste of energy and precious brain activity to judge on strangers don't you think.but if you want to, i won't judge you, it's your brain and energy after all. :)

valentine's is overrated.

really, there will be soppy romantic/romance dramas or movies in the television.song dedications on national radio.you know one can never listen to a lot of love songs cause they'll rot your brain. and oh you should see how the gift stores are all decorated with red hearts and everything red.the price of roses increases by what, 90 percent? restaurant will be full with people.people will race to find their valentine.and they'll wear couple t-shirts, with the bees and the flower and such.

you shouldn't celebrate valentine's,you know that?

celebrate my birthday instead. *cough*. i'm not lying.i'm a valentine's baby yaw.that's why i don't do valentine's.why bother when you're getting older. ;)

p/s : i love love songs.brain-rot or not.and couple t-shirt is cute.really.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

you've been tagged!

1. Copy badge “2008 Cute’s 3logger Award” di atas untuk diletakkan di blog anda.
2. Link/ceritakan kembali siapa yang memberikan award ini kepada anda.

- oh,this is given by Ja Ja.she's this beautiful girl i know from Internet.she's a friend of a friend too so its a small and wonderful world we're living in.thanks sweet. :)


3. Setiap blogger mesti menyatakan 10 fakta/hobi diri sendiri sebelum memilih penerima award seterusnye (anda di-tag).

1. i'm a nerd really.not cool.

2. i eat a lot.more than you do, trust me.

3. i'm terrified of dogs.and worms.and dead cicak.

4. i love to sleep, who doesnt.

5. i can't drive.

6. i can't swim.

7. i think i'm a chronic channel surfer.

8. i love public transport (refer to question #5)

can i skip question 9 and 10? definitely.

4. Anda perlu memilih 5 penerima award seterusnye dan menyatakan nama mereka di blog anda.


- falliq

- adeb

- elly

- ili

- leen

5. Jangan lupe melawat blog kawan anda dan meninggalkan komen yang menyatakan mereka telah ditag.

- i'll try! ;)


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

little girl blue

oh makin hari hati makin berat lah.i feel like a walking time bomb.someone is leaving pretty soon and i'm pretty sure that i am sad about it yet i feel overwhelmed to that someone for getting such great opportunity.

i listen to Janis' Little Girl B
lue over and over again.i feel like she's singing to me and it sounds so true and heartbreaking,these are the words Miss Janis sang to me.totally relatable.



"Little Girl Blue"

Sit there, hmm, count your fingers.
What else, what else can you do ?
Oh and I know how you feel,
I know you feel that you’re through.
Oh wah wah ah sit there, hmm, count,
Ah, count your little fingers,
My unhappy oh little girl, little girl blue, yeah.

Oh sit there, oh count those raindrops
Oh, feel ’em falling down, oh honey all around you.
Honey don’t you know it’s time,
I feel it’s time,
Somebody told you ‘cause you got to know
That all you ever gonna have to count on
Or gonna wanna lean on
It’s gonna feel just like those raindrops do
When they’re falling down, honey, all around you.
Oh, I know you’re unhappy.

Oh sit there, ah go on, go on
And count your fingers.
I don’t know what else, what else
Honey have you got to do.
And I know how you feel,
And I know you ain’t got no reason to go on
And I know you feel that you must be through.
Oh honey, go on and sit right back down,
I want you to count, oh count your fingers,
Ah my unhappy, my unlucky
And my little, oh, girl blue.
I know you’re unhappy,
Ooh ah, honey I know,
Baby I know just how you feel.


she's a damn great singer.there's no one quite like her today.no one can replace her.
and no one can replace that person who is leaving.hmm.