life sans happiness.

they say, hate is a strong word.Toadies sang 'you're the song i hate but i can't let go'.hate is bad.hate kills.hate heals.it's up to you.

i really want to say that i hate my life, but that will only shock the masses (as if they care).
to be fair, i would say that i am unhappy.perhaps deeply unhappy because, if i were to say the reasons, uhm (it occurs to me that the reasons are rather puny; when i typed it down, so instead of listing the reasons, i came up with this sentence).

okay, i'm unhappy because of the decisions i made.have my conscience and instinct gone kaput? is it them or is it me.is it my head or my heart or my guts or the universe, or God? i'm not blaming God of course, as this is God's plan for me.God has plan for everyone i believe.

i only wish for courage and patience and several other virtues.

i'm unhappy because i don't get what i want and things are not going my way.but hey that's life.nobody gets EVERYTHING they want.sometimes, life will sneak up on you and ambushes you during unpredictable times.when your guards are down on the ground.in the gutter.life will knock you down.you may have settled to one thought or decision when things may inevitably make a 360 degree turn.and scared the daylights out of you.

those were the things.the things that made me the terrible mess i was (and still am) these past few days.

somehow, the words that i've typed sound sensible, unlike the thoughts that have been dwelling in my mind,those were not my thoughts when i spent my day sniffing and sobbing and complaining to the boyfriend.

i wish somebody can just shake me and knock some sense into my head.i need to be enlightened. i need to wake up!

(the boyfriend will prolly throw up at the last two sentences due to my constant whining and crying that he saw which were definitely not parallel with the words i said just now : the enlightenment thingamajig.i definitely didn't sound like i wanted to be enlightened. all i ever muttered was "i want to sleep all day")