and if you die,i want to die with you.

That’s how I felt when my atuk died. 21^st January 2006, how could I ever forget that date? I know that he’s been sick for the past 3 days. He had a heart attack. But I can never imagine that he will leave us all. Yes, I wish for him to be immortal but I know,we all know that all living creatures will have to face their maker someday. Maybe, all I wanted was, for me to die first, not him.I last met him during Aidil Adha. Weeks after that, I get a terrified phone call from my mother saying that atuk is in hospital and we’re going to visit him straight away. But he didn’t make it. He died while we (me, mom and dad) were on our way. For minutes, I told myself that this is a nightmare. He can’t be gone. I saw him two weeks before lively and happy. He can’t be dead before seeing me. As soon as we arrived at the hospital (Pantai Medical), my uncle led us to his room. My legs are all weak and then I saw him and I couldn’t held my tears.

Through my vision, blurred with tears, I saw him lying there as if he was sleeping. I kissed his forehead and it felt cold. At that time, I just want to lie beside him. I just want to die beside him. Then, the doctor asked us to wait outside. My mom and dad were busy for I don’t know what. I was alone, crying alone at the hospital corner. I felt so exposed and cold, in fact was shivering. No one hugged me or comforted me. Yeah, I wish my mom could’ve had hug me at that time. But she didn’t. When I arrived at kampung later on, things just get worst.

My nenek fainted, everybody was crying. The next morning, there were a lot of people, people with sad sympathetic look on their faces. Sometimes, I just wish that all of them will go away and leave us alone. But they didn’t and they stayed to the very end. That’s what relatives supposed to do, I guess. I can also remember the time when he was being prepared, kapan and all, he was placed on a hearse with semi cylinder zinc cover which later on will be covered with sejadah and so on. My little cousin asked everyone, “Kenapa atuk duduk dalam tin?” No one could answer him and he kept asking until his mom took him away to somewhere else. My nenek said to me “Atuk baru cakap dia teringin nak naik kereta dgn kau” I’ve just received my driving license. Can you imagine how I felt at that time? He even planned to get me a car. When he was about to be carried away to the cemetery, I found all my girl cousins crying at a patio that my grandpa had just finished working on. I sat with them and we cried together. I hugged them all, knowing what it felt like to cry alone and without someone hugging you. At that time, I wished things will be normal, that he will come to us, smiling and said "Jangan menangis lagi, atuk kan ada"