emotionally inept.

as in right now, i am definitely not available emotionally.yes.

it was a train wreck followed by some other huge calamities, to the heart.oh at this moment this line is blasting out from my speakers

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

i'm kind of confused with my feeling right now. maybe it's the PMS (oh how i love to blame 'em pms-es), maybe it's the fight, maybe it's the kindness.i don't know.but i have been crying pretty much every night these past few nights.it's so stupid.

but i'm pretty sure that my heart is kind of paralyzed and is playing some mean tricks.

i'm already 22, love shouldn't be a big issue but somehow it is.

for the first time in a very long time, love seems confusing to me.i feel 14 again.

lazy lazy lazy.

i'm so drained and exhausted.

mentally and emotionally, perhaps a bit physically.

to be honest, i wish i can stay home a little longer, a few more months maybe. but apparently, i have a job (alhamdulillah for that). but,hmm,i guess, i'm just plain lazy to venture into the working world.god i should have at least a little passion yeah.

yes, if you ask me, i wouldn't mind staying home doing the same ol' same ol'.

a true lazybum slacker yang tak terbukak hati kot.huuu.

sambungan varjit prem, part 2

disebabkan memori dia memori orang kira-kira, pada suatu hari bekas jiran kami menunjukkan nombor telefon ku.dia tak ada pen, kertas atau henpon time itu.tapi you know, otak matematik i guess.malam tu ada mesej berbunyi 'Salam alaikum,ini Ameer'.

pernah aku datang ke sana dengan seorang teman lelaki. dia duduk depan kami dan berkata 'ini siapa?!'.dengan nada Hitrik Roshan berjumpa Priyanka Chopra berguling guling di padang nan hijau bersama Abishek Bachan.

ada satu malam tu juga, sewaktu aku nak menuju ke kereta, dia confront aku dan berkata
"XXXX (kawan yang menunjukkan number telefon aku tu) cakap awak suka sama saya".

cis.aku berlari lari anak ke kereta kawan ku tanpa menoleh belakang.


fast forward a few months later,aku dan Ira pergi ke sana untuk makan seperti biasa.ada seorang lagi pelayan yang ramah dengan kami menegur kami dengan soalan lazim 'lama x nampak' 'mana pergi' etc2.time tu Ameer tak ada.maka aku pun tanya. 'Eh,mana Ameer?'


'Oh Ameer, dia sudah balik India.dia sudah kahwin.sekarang kerja Dubai, dia kirim salam'

jujur waktu itu, aku terkedu.

Hindustan betul woi!

kisah cinta hampir terlarang a.k.a varjit prem, nehi. part 1

dalam 5 tahun menuntut ilmu di bandar Shah Alam, antara regular past time activity kami pada waktu senggang, ialah makan di kedai mamak.ada satu kedai yang nama nya rasa macam nak rahsiakan yang aku selalu lawati untuk makan cheese nan yang superb dan nasi kandaq yang aku selalu mintak nasi lebih or kuah hitam lebih.

aku ternostalgia satu perkara, di mana tak ramai yang tahu (rasa macam dah hebah pada ramai orang juga) but aku cerita sekali lagi okay.

dekat mamak tu, pelayan pelayannya mesra dan baik sekali.aku lagi selesa dengan mereka dari lalu depan abang abang bersadai atas motor suka swit2.ada satu pelayan ni nama dia Ameer* (hampir nama sebenar dan seperti nama kekasih sekarang tapi bukan kamu ya sayang).macam mana aku tau nama dia, sebab ada name tag disulam pada kemeja diorang.

Ameer ni outstanding.sebab dia paling tinggi.kalau antara lautan orang, pasti akan nampak leher dan kepala berkopiah nya.

kurus, tinggi.well, aku memang murah dengan senyuman jadi selalu lah aku senyum senyum.

bak kata orang dari senyuman jatuh ke hati.well in this case hati dia lah. ha ha.

dia selalu berbual dengan aku (guna bahasa Melayu berslang lah). dia nak bawak aku balik India.dia ada juga cakap kat India dia gengster.dia anak bongsu dari empat adik beradik yang lelaki semuanya.dia ada empat kereta di India.toyota,honda, apa tah lagi aku tak ingat.

bersambung...

i would like to thank the academy...

i can't believe it.

it's almost unreal.

to the point of - impossible! (that is clearly an exaggeration,my friends)

but i managed to drive on my own today.

no more Ayah telling me to 'brek! brek!' (yes,in THAT tone precisely)

i feel...wonderful.i feel like i can conquer the Great Wall of China or swim the Atlantic!

eh, i don't think anyone had swum the Atlantic before.

jogging ryhmes with ogling

i went jogging with Mak yesterday.perhaps my first jog this year.yeah, i know.i kinda love my sedentary lifestyle.

i used to love jogging (when?) a few years back then.i love the adrenaline rush from running.the blood all pumped out to your veins and you actually feel your heart working instead of just beating silently.

but yesterday, i felt dizzy after completing my laps.my head felt light.maybe because of my almost 2 months lifestyle of staying up all night and sleeping in all day.not forgetting snacking up at 4 a.m and playing games until morning.

anyhoo, there were lots of people at the lake, lots of buffed out men running 3 or more laps non-stop and it got me grinning.boy if they can run like that,i bet they're good in...

soccer.soccer needs lots of energy yeah?

aku, adik dan Kacip 2

dia memang seorang yang garang dan hati kering.kadang kadang bengis.suka tak layan bila aku suruh dia tengok youtube burung pelican makan merpati. (takut woo).tapi menengok dia ketawa berdekah dekah membaca entry blog tersebut membuatkan aku rasa yang dia still my little brother.

maka disebabkan dia bekerja dan berduit (dari aku), satu hari tu aku sebar propaganda Pipiyapong buat buku nama Kacip.sempat jugak aku tanya dia Kacip tu maksud dia apa. jenuh jugak aku memujuk sebab dia kata dia dah baca semua entry blog tu.aku siap cakap nanti aku bayar kat dia balik.

tapi esok hari, dia suruh check blog sindiket soljah.ada pulak nama dia dekat update list.

hari dapat buku, dia kata 'tak payah la bayar, aku nak buku ni, tapi kau boleh lah baca bila aku tak nak, bila aku nak, kau kena bagi serta merta'.malam tu aku baru baca muka surat ke 4 dia ketuk pintu bilik.cis.

tapi apa apa pun.berjaya jugak sebab aku memang kepingin nak baca tapi tak ada duit.hehe.nasib dia dah kerja and aku sebar propaganda betul betul sebelum gaji dia masuk.kini Kacip dah lebih seminggu dalam bilik aku.

bukan senang woi nak makan duit dia.haha.

aku, adik dan Kacip 1

aku cuma ada seorang adik.sahaja.memang selama ini aku ada dia sebagai kawan sebagai lawan (lawan lagi banyak rasanya).dia cuma muda setahun jadi memang fungsi kami lebih sebagai kawan dan kadang kadang macam dia pulak yang abang (contoh : kau nak pegi gig? jangan ngada2 dowh. jangan kawan dengan mamat XXXX tu, aku kenal dia, dia jahat)

dulu kecik kecik, memang main sama sama punya.dari rounders, tangkap berudu, cuma bila sekarang tinggi dia dah lebih satu kaki dari aku and berat agaknya lebih 20kg dari aku,kami tak se'chummy' sewaktu kecik dulu.lagi pun dia dah kerja bila aku masih lagi terhegeh hegeh nak habiskan degree.


untuk mengeratkan perhubungan adik beradik, kami kadang2 berkongsi cita rasa.muzik, tak sangat, certain2 je.movies, cerita lawan lawan cerita kelakar, kami tengok sama sama. (dulu aku upah dia rm5 supaya dia tengok CD king kong dengan aku, tak semenggah)

suatu hari aku yang gemar bercakap tanpa henti ni cuba memancing hatinya dengan bercerita pasal blog Hilang Punca. pot pet pot pet. satu hari waktu aku di shah alam and sedang berkaraoke lagu Seribu Tahun Takkan Mungkin baik punyaa dia sms. 'kak apa nama blog yang kau cakap tu'.aku tak ada kredit, masuk lagu Semalam Yang Hangat, dia telefon pulak.

the rest is history.

..bersambung...

puppy love itu patutnya cinta anak anjing.

just so you know, i've been dating boys (of course, i don't date girls) since i was very young.and this is in my journal,very embarrassing but i'll write it down anyhow, you are allowed to laugh.or cry.

29 November 2001,

now, aku terpaksa bersedia utk menghadapi sebarang kemungkinan, kalau dia nak break, anggaplah ia sebagai satu hakikat yg memedihkan. terima sajalah takdir yang ditetapkan Tuhan, afifah.kalau aku bukan untuk dia, nak buat mcm mana,dah orang tak sudi,cuma aku minta agar dia jangan menyesal kelak.aku akan cuba pujuk hati yang lara ini dan ambil ia sebagai pengajaran. kalau dia nak damai or berbaik semula, berbaiklah kami.jangan ulang lagi silap ini okay? tapi aku tak dapat lupakan kepedihan ini.apa yang aku terdaya nak cakap is why all this, why now, why me?

punya lah gatal umur 14 tulis madah putus hati begitu sekali.

perlu bakar rasanya semua itu.

the ghost of a young girl.

this is something from my old journal as i've been re-reading it for these past few days.

11.40 p.m,31st October 2001,

there's a day or moment when i don't know how i feel about life.i was standing cluelessly in front of the bathroom door.i don't know how i feel.i feel. sad for not being a rich man's daughter? happy to be in a middle class working family? sad because i'm not allowed to do things-i'm-not-s'pose-to do- but-i-feel-happy-doing it? angry because i'm in love with a boy who doesn't love me back? confuse, i really don't know.there's a time when i feel empty.sort of like,lonely.misery.i feel blank. i feel like i don't have anyone in this world. there's a time when i feel so happy, so fresh and so alive and there's a time when i feel sad,so down, so low. maybe this is a phase of life.

i was 14.fourteen.and yes, that WAS growing pain, in text form for ya.maybe that is why i was never really a rebel and i never smoke as a teen.

because i wrote it all down.

i know where i'm going.

when i was young, very young, i kept a journal.three.in all those journals, i never failed to write down my ambitions, my childhood and teenhood ambitions. (i made up 'teenhood', can't find its equivalent).

you see, i wanted to be a dentist, kindergarten teacher, teacher, astronaut, paleontologist, writer, lecturer, firefighter, researcher, philosopher, psychologist, fashion designer, song-writer, film maker or a housewife. eversince i was young (according to my journal cause i wrote em down as 'my ambition from young 'till now')

and i feel, hey my childhood dreams do come true.

i was once a high school teacher for three months, i wrote a song for my buddies band when i was 15 and i lost the CD apparently, the band was called Mistral just like the electric fan's brand. i did my academic research for my academic exercise.well, that doesn't make me a researcher but i went through all the trouble you know.

from the look of MY current situation, i think i'm going to be fine.

i know where i'm going and i'll see you there. :)

out and about.

i went shopping with Mak earlier this afternoon.well, nowhere fancy, the usual Jalan TAR.
due to my current 'situation',of course,going to Kuala Lumpur during a school holiday is an exciting thing.i'm dying to get out of the house and usually i have nowhere to go,yes don't u worry,i DO have friends.its just, we're absent from each other.

haha.

okay.so i was at the lrt station,i love riding the lrt more than driving a car thank you.but i particularly hated it when...

a guy whose nationality i will not disclose stood in front of me, i'm all washed up and puffed and perfumed,and that guy smell like...

you know what i mean, and the odour went straight to my occipital lobe.

i know, its a personal choice,its a free mad world, people don't have to shower if they don't want to, they don't have to wear Rexona or Dashing if they don't want to,it's perfectly fine.

i think next time, i'm going to fill my shirt and jeans with rancid beef and onions and my brother's socks.and see people struggling for breath like i did though i didn't really struggle, it's just,it made me feel like laughing and it's hard trying not to laugh and holding your breath at the same time.

of course i won't be that stupid (beside it's not a clever analogy, having a BO and smothering your skin with foul stuffs - eh, )

the point is,about that guy in the lrt, at the very least...

you don't have to raise both of your armpits high up in the air blocking my air ventilation and sanity!

peace.

on pain

khalil gibran said in his poem 'On Pain'

"much of your pain is self-chosen"

i guess that is true.

and he also mentioned

"and you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields."

who knows that such passing of seasons is so heart breaking.

:(

driving depriving.

driving.

sigh.

i think i am capable of the unthinkable, i can soar like an eagle and swim like a shark, but driving...
okay let me rephrase, of course i can't soar or swim (yep, i can't), i am putting driving on the same level of flying and swimming.

ok this doesnt make any sense, swimming is easy,it's just i can't.

and i can drive.but i will piss off every moving vehicles on the road (i can't piss off non-moving vehicles, i don't know how). i drive at a mere 40km/hr and to me, that's like the first half of Fast and Furious.

i am not fond of driving, i cant say i hate it, its just, not my cup of tea.

but tell me my dear friends, who is moronic enough, thinking the cure for the lack of passion for driving IS purchasing a new automatic car (not with my money of course, but i'll be paying for it guess i'm that moron).

sigh.and letting my dad be the co-pilot is not really helpful when Ayah being the Ayah i know for the 22 years of my living days.sigh.he'll repeat the same things "apa yang susah, kan senang, kan senang", not knowing my fear of other fast moving cars.and the highway exit.and roundabouts.

i know i'm an idiot and now i'm going to counsel myself with the REBT techniques.

or maybe psycoanalysis if i have to.

and maybe then, i can drive like there's no tomorrow.

yes, boredom never kills.i hope not.

it has been precisely 32 days since i left shah alam.i've been doing nothing productive really, except for attending series of job interviews but i dont think i've been in a mall for this past 32 days (tesco extra is not a mall, not to me, it's a place where i'll be all giddy and hype over keropok Super Ring) yes my life is THAT pathetic.

i really have no cash left and i can't afford to go anywhere.not even to the Kiosk where i used to work.yes i'm THAT broke. and yes i can ask my parents for a few bucks but they are not buying the tricks anymore because they believe, NO ONE has ever died from excessive boredom.(since my excuse will be 'boring gilaaaa,nak duit nak keluar).

if only i saved some of my allowance during the glorious university year (cheh padahal baru sebulan habis belajar), maybe i won't be this miserable.

since i'm in KJ, my besties here, well there's only one left and she is busy with her works of course (she's in the quantity surveying biz), another one who live one floor below is working in Seremban. sigh.

my misery will end in June cause i'll be working in July insyaallah. by then, you know i'll lament and groan and complaint on how miserable working life is.

i'll find my optimistic chakra back and then everyday, will be a new exciting day.

sort of.